Posted by Racer on September 8, 2006, at 0:29:24
I'm very, very sorry, and am not even sure I should post this. Those of you easily triggered, just skip this next paragraph, OK?
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I've been having a very rough time of it lately. It's been really bad, and just now I realized that the horrible feeling I'm having includes a set of intrusive thoughts about historical execution. I'm thinking particularly of the method used in Tudor England -- trying to avoid the trigger, probably failing. This is from my childhood -- it probably started when I was about 7 years old. It's putting myself into the place of, say, Katherine Howard, or Anne Boleyn. I think about how it must have felt -- the events leading up to it, not the moment itself -- and wonder how I could have reacted...****************************
Done talking about something so awful...
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I'm not sure what brought these back. I guess I'm glad I identified them, though. Kinda explains why I'm feeling so sick to my stomach all the time, you know? I don't know what set this off, but I sure wish I knew what to do about it.
I know, I know -- "well, redirect your thoughts." If it were that simple, I would have done it DECADES ago! Honestly -- this has haunted me for decades, wondering how anyone could have done it, etc. And I'm not even aware of it when I'm doing it, etiher. That's part of what makes it so awful -- I've had this feeling for several days now, and known it was familiar, but not what it was. Tonight I was sitting here, and finally got it.
ARGH!
Just -- make it go away!
poster:Racer
thread:684139
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/684139.html