Posted by llrrrpp on August 31, 2006, at 21:05:32
In reply to Re: My head stopped hurting » llrrrpp, posted by curtm on August 31, 2006, at 20:10:40
Um, folks,
this is not a good way of "coping"
I'm seriously concerned that I f*cked up my brain's hardwiring. I can't feel happy sad scared... just nothing. empty.
I feel completely disconnected from any sense of what it is to be human. doesn't feel normal to me. it freaks me out even more than uncontrolled sobbing, to tell you the truth. At least I've done uncontrolled sobbing before. I have an associates degree and an Artist's Diploma in uncontrolled sobbing. The Vulcan thing is really unexpected. What happens when I wake up tomorrow? will I be laughing hysterically? will I be catatonic?
Even when I was depressed, I felt like I knew myself. Now- who is this freak? she's got my memories stored on her hard drive. She's got my reflection in the mirror. But she doesn't have my soul. Everytime I attmept to access an emotion "Access Denied" or an emotional memory, like playing Meditation from Thais at the funeral "Site not Found" "Connection Failed"
Okay, so I'm not "suffering" in the traditional sense of the word, because that would require some kind of emotional valence. nope. This is a new experience for me. try it sometime folks. Poison your limbic system with excess cortisol (that comes from trauma) and god knows whatever other chemistry my brain has pickled itself in these last few days. Now that your limbic system is shrivelled, try to do something rewarding, like achieving a goal. Doesn't feel like anything. Or something painful, like a deliberate trigger to your worst trauma. short circuited. you fired a blank.
does this pass too?
what if everything passes? what's left?
-ll
poster:llrrrpp
thread:681522
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/681878.html