Posted by Jost on July 9, 2006, at 21:56:53
In reply to being manipulative versus honest, posted by wishingstar on July 9, 2006, at 20:05:59
Wishingstar, did the note say that you were thinking of hurting yourself; or did it say you were thinking of hurting yourself in order to get her attention?
Those are quite different things.
Also, as the article sited by sleepygirl says, there are frequent misattributions of manipulativeness in some therapeutic situations.
I think when Ts use this word, they seem to mean that they feel that the P is overstating, or raising some terrible consequence, in order to extort a special response or proof of caring, to or get some other desired action, that the T has withheld.
But what Ts often overlook, I think, is that people only say things like that when they're feeling desperate and in pain. They forget that pain, if it's really intense, has this quality of being something that needs to stop right away, that it seems you can't stand another minute. And you see your T as having some way of making it better-- if only she cared enough.
Maybe you aren't quite at the point of hurting yourself, maybe you're only at the point where you begin to think about it--and maybe part of that involves a phantasy that someone will rescue you.
But I don't think its manipulative, until you've worked through to that point in T where you really understand that you're overstating the danger, intentionally overdramatizing--and, more importantly, when you really have the ability to control that, to talk about the desire, not as something you're going to do, but something you're imagining doing--with the intention of be able to make a different choice. (This is the article's main point.)
I'm not sure where you were on that spectrum, but I don't think you were being manipulative. Your T might have felt manipulated-- which is a useful bit of information for you about how your saying that can feel-- but doesn't mean she's right in her reaction.
If you said that you were thinking of hurting yourself because you wanted attention--that sounds more like an attempt to open up the issue of your becoming aware that maybe you turn to these extreme self-destructive behaviors because you do feel so lost and alone. That you want to start working on how to handle them differently.Either way-- turning to self-blame isn't the way.
You're doing your best; you really were having the thought.
You need to be honest; and then you can begin to see the role these thoughts play in an interpersonal situation. Maybe your T can learn to reach out more, to give you more that you need; and you can step back from the phantasy, and see that it's about wanting more connection--and can find ways that will make the connection stronger, instead of endangering it.
Sorry this is so long-- maybe I shouldn't have read the article.
Don't use this against yourself-- it's a long struggle to feel stronger, more powerful in relationships, and more worthy of connection and care.
Jost
poster:Jost
thread:665544
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060703/msgs/665581.html