Posted by wishingstar on July 9, 2006, at 20:05:59
Where is the line between being manipulative and being honest and real with your feelings? And maybe more importantly, what if they're the same thing?
Like I mentioned in some past posts here, I'm seeing a new (well, from several years ago) T since I'm out of town. She is much more directive and pushes more than my regular T at home. I saw her Friday, and we talked about the borderline diagnosis, which I've never officially gotten, but seems to be correct for me (I've thought this for awhile, and she seems to agree). Anyway... I was talking the ways my regular T at home has frustrated and hurt me in the last few months, such as not returning calls quickly when I really need her and ignoring requests/suggestions I've made (like asking her to check in with me regarding my SI, as it would make me feel more heard). Anyway, I told T about how I once left a note for my home T saying I felt like hurting myself in order to get her attention. This was a few months ago, but I felt like she wasnt hearing me at all and I really needed her to know how serious I was. That was obviously a manipulative thing to say to her, but it was also true - I had/was very seriously considering it, so I wanted to tell her in hopes that it could be discussed and I'd feel heard that way. Bottom line was, she mentioned it but nothing came of it.. it didnt help.
Now that my new T has pointed out that leaving that note was manipulative (I didnt really think of it that way at the time, but she's obviously right), I'm wondering if maybe a lot of other things I have done with my regular T at home arent seeming manipulative too. Maybe that's why she's ignoring my requests. I am considering calling her and asking her about that, but I'm not sure if I will or not. If so, what does that mean for me? For my therapy relationship with my regular T? For my relationship with everyone else in my life? Is it possible that when I feel like I'm just being genuine and honest with these things, I'm really just pushing people away and being manipulative? How do I know?
This idea has really sent me into a new kind of depression all weekend. I just feel terrible. Completely hopeless, like there's just no way to fix things. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to do things the right way. If what I have been doing is manipulative, it feels like it'll have to be a choice between being really honest and manipulative, or just not being truly myself. My logical side knows (sort of) that there has to be another option, but I just feel completely hopeless and helpless.
I hope this post made some sense to someone. I dont really have it straight in my head yet either, so sorry if it didnt. Anyone have any thoughts?
poster:wishingstar
thread:665544
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060703/msgs/665544.html