Posted by wishingstar on June 16, 2006, at 19:19:12
In reply to Re: the decision, posted by Jost on June 15, 2006, at 1:24:54
Hi jost, thanks for understanding. It really is hard sometimes. I understand completely why the boundaries are in place, and wouldnt even want to have a "regular friendship" with her, but sometimes just a TINY bit of information would make therapy so much easier. Just a snipet, so I feel like I'm talking to a real person, not someone who lives in her office. With my last T, all I really knew was the ages of her kids and a little about her other part-time work (workshops) and that was enough.
To be honest, I'm not sure what she'd say if I asked for "extras". Once I did ask for an extra session when I was in major crisis (called and said I needed to come in asap) and she allowed it. However, a few weeks ago I called in major crisis and did not get the reaction I would have hoped for. I liked your analogy about the sky opening up if you were to ask - exactly how I feel! Like she'd look at me and say "dont you know you're the client? you dont ask ME for things." Who knows. I know I've said this on babble before, but she never has once said its okay to call her between sessions. If I ask and she says yes, it wont feel real. I want her to SAY that its okay. I guess the "do you really care about me?" is wrapped up in there too.
I dont think she understands how deeply I really feel things. I'm very, very good at keeping everything very intellectual, which is something we discuss all the time, but I wonder often if I even have her fooled to a degree. Even though I truly want her to see the truth. Maybe it's hard to imagine what really is underneath when shes never seen it. So maybe "crisis" or "I need you" outside sessions doesnt mean as much to her, regarding me anyway. Maybe she doesnt know what "crisis" really is. My SI has never been serious and my suicidal fantasies (in the past) never materialized to attempts. I've gotten way off topic here. There have been times I've felt like hurting myself just to get her attention (and I've told her this.)
I didnt call the other day. I'm going to wait until Monday (probably) and see if I readjust to the idea of not seeing her for awhile. If not, I guess I'll call. I'm really not doing well at all, as you might can tell from my all over the place ramblings here. I just cant get it all together right now.
Thanks for your reply. I wish I could be more articulate about it right now, but I have been thinking about it and really do get what you're saying. Thanks for your help.
poster:wishingstar
thread:656138
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060615/msgs/657775.html