Posted by wishingstar on June 12, 2006, at 19:52:38
Well, tomorrow is it. I see my T tomorrow for the last time for 2 months, probably about 9 weeks total...
This time, it was my own stupid decision in accepting a summer teaching position in the city 2 hours away from here. It's a small private school near DC, and this will be my fourth summer teaching in the preschool. I stay with my parents for the entire two months, which is much less than ideal... but I really love the job. I knew I'd have to give up my T for 2 months if I took the job, and at the time was feeling confident I'd be fine with that, but that was before the depression hit me again. I'm also in a place with my T where I am finally beginning to lift the very edge off the figurative box and open myself up and be vulnerable with her (after almost a year). I know that I'll shut that down in 2 months. There's no way. I just about die when she goes on vacation for one week, but 2 months????
I'm not sure sure realizes quite how big a deal this is for me, but she does know I'm worried about it. We're going to talk about what to do about it tomorrow. Here are my options.. tell me what you all think.
First, I could see her maybe 2 or 3 times during these 2+ months on a weird schedule. I teach from 8-4, and COULD drive from school to her office (2 hours) after I got off and see her then. But I'm afraid I'd be too tired and brain fried to even really connect with her or say anything important. I'm not sure it'd be worth the money (in gas and in therapy bills) or if it'd even help to hold onto that connection at all. Then the next morning, I'd have to wake up at like 4:30am to drive back to school and teach all that day. Yuck.
Another option would be to see an old T in the city where I'm teaching once every other week or so. She has already agreed to do this if I decide to. I saw her during the worst period of my depression, about 5-6 years ago, for about a year total. I've also seen her for one session here and there since then, but it's been probably 2 years since the last time. She was absolutely wonderful when I did see her, but I'm not sure if it'd be worth it now, since I'd only have probably 3 sessions, and she doesnt know a thing about me anymore or where I am now. It'd be more like me paying her to catch her up than actually helping myself at all. Plus, I'd have to do it probably during nap time at my school (we have nap time in the preschool!) which means I wouldnt have any time before to mentally get myself together, or any time after to calm down if needed. I'd have to go right back to work. I just dont feel like the issues I'm working on with my current T right now (vulnerability, mostly) are things I could explain to the old T and discuss in a session or two. It's so much bigger than that.
Of course the other option is just no therapy for 2 months. I've done it before and I could certainly do it again, but eh... I just dont want to. I think it's probably what I'll end up doing. For me, I either shut down completely or keep myself open completely (which is very emotional and hard) and I'd rather shut down for 2 months than stay open and have no one to really share it with on any regular basis.
Maybe my T will have another solution in mind, but I dont think there are any others. I just feel like I'm being abandoned, left alone to fend for myself. I feel like a little kid who needs their mommy. It's just not fair that I have to go away (even though I chose it myself). I'm scared. What if things keep getting worse (as they have been)? I'll be totally alone. And I'll be living with my parents for that time, which makes everything 20x harder. (My parents were never abusive, but are very cold and detached and were neglected me growing up). I just dont know what to do... but the bottom line is, I DO know what to do, because there's only one good option. Deal for 8 weeks. Maybe it'll give me some time to figure out where I am and what my needs are. See how much I can rely on myself. Who knows. I dont think my T realizes how hard this is. I'm going to tell her tomorrow.
Sorry this is so long. Any thoughts are welcome.
poster:wishingstar
thread:656138
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060604/msgs/656138.html