Posted by pegasus on March 8, 2006, at 9:12:14
In reply to Lots to think about..., posted by Racer on March 7, 2006, at 21:30:13
I'm sorry to be late to the discussion here. But I have to respond because I really struggle with this also. It's so painful, and it's led to a lot of my unhelpful behaviors and thoughts about myself. How can you be angry at someone who is doing the best they could, and just incidentally hurt you without meaning to?
What my Ts have said (I still can't really internalize it) is this:
1) Anger is a defensive response to being hurt or being afraid. So, it's sort of a secondary emotion. When we're angry, theoretically it might help to ask ourselves what hurt us, or what we are afraid of. Then we can deal more directly with the root, instead of grappling only with the anger.
2) It is OK to be angry, even if the other person had good reasons for their behavior. Similar to what falls and Daisy were saying. If what they did hurt you, or made you afraid, then it's natural and totally OK to feel angry. Their having a good reason doesn't make your response somehow wrong.
Of course, when these emotions come up, I usually don't have the resources to remind myself of these things. I wish you better luck with this issue than I've had.
peg
poster:pegasus
thread:617049
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060225/msgs/617413.html