Posted by Damos on February 7, 2006, at 15:43:24
In reply to Re: ((((((alexandra K)))))))))))))), posted by alexandra_k on February 5, 2006, at 19:27:37
Hey Alex :-)
A quick pre-apology. This was written in several interrupted attempts so may be even more nonsensical than usual.
There's part of me that wonders if a lot of these anxieties are being driven/stirred up by the accommodation dramas (guess after yesterdays news we'll soon know :-))
"They were friends in the best way they knew how to be." And that says it all, and means and matters so very much.
Being accepted, completely and without judgement - I get it totally. And to have felt, feel so safe, and have people who are just there, would just mean the world. I'm sorry Alex, it's an awful, awful position to be in and choice to have to make. But they would understand, they really would. And I really think the best of them would want you to get out, would encourage you to if you could. Because in your shoes they would feel just the same as you are.
Why do you stick with it? For all those reasons. Because for so long you didn't have those things. Because it's what you know, and that's less scary than the alternative. Lots of reasons, all valid and understandable. "I don't know why they are good to me, but they are. They like me." And there it is. We all want to be liked whether we want to admit it or not, and to be like for who we are. And kindness is kindness no matter how it's packaged. They are good to you and they like you for all the reasons we like you too.
"One of them...I got him into doing a course at tech to be a drug and alcohol counsellor. I don't know whether that is going to work out for him. But he like it. I've helped him a lot...he doesn't write so good...but he is learning. He comes out with some great stuff at times...very taken with behaviourism and reinforcing different outcomes :-)" And you wonder why we love you so, you are so very beautiful, and so much of the wonder that is you shines through these simple words. You just make me so proud to know you and be your friend.
What you have been through, what you've done and experienced, how life's been for you, aren't you, you're right. But they help us in getting to know who you are and why you feel and hurt the way you do. They help, and mean a lot.
Alex, sometimes having the freedom to choose is the most overwhelming choice there is. But it does include the choice not to be free. The choice to cast off a self that doesn't fit anymore is one of the hardest choices there is. Some animals have to cast off their skins or shells in order to keep growing and I know we talked about it once before, how every cell in the human body is replaced every seven years or something. Sometimes we have to leave things behind. Doesn't mean they stop being important to us or that we are not grateful for them. You will never lose the memories of what you shared with your friends, it's been a very special bond for you. I'm sorry the choice is so hard.
Kinda wondering if the loss of this feeling of acceptance and belonging and the other anxieties around that are driving the 'need' to be/feel more sociable and to feel 'acceptable' a little. Maybe even a little/a lot of the sense of loneliness too. Don't know, maybe. Know they do me, to one extreme or the other, further out or further in, go figure.
Looks like I was my usual vague incomprehensible self when I talked about being solitary. What I was trying to say was that I learned that solitary doesn't have to mean isolated, or alone, or lonely. It's about being able to say that yeah I'm happy to be on my own a fair bit of the time and that I like and am comfortable in my own space. Would I still like to be able to share that space with people who are special to me? Very much so. Do I still long for connection and contact? Absolutely - desperately at times. I don't think solitary and sociable, social or whatever you want to call it are mutually exclusive. I don't believe that by accepting myself as being this way that I am saying that I don't want to be in or have emotionally fulfilling relationships with other people, I do, I hope to, hope I am. Still probably not making a lot of sense, but in a way being able to say to myself "You know, these things just aren't you, never have been" has actually enabled me to better and more truly be me in those situations that are. Like somehow it's lessened the internal conflict. If I'm honest, the more I tried to make myself be comfortable in those situations that weren't me, the worse I actually got. Almost as though the system was pushing back. Bit like brussel sprouts I guess, you can't make me like them no matter how hard you try or what you do to them to make them more palatable. But I will eat 'em sometimes (just don't push it).
All I can tell you is that I do know a few very happy couples who are complete 'social' opposites, but just work and love each other immensely and are wonderful together and intensely proud of who the other is. One of them said to me once; "I don't understand why we work, I just know the way we are together and that's what matters." Acceptance just for who we are.
Alex I was never comfortable at clubs or parties (as I imagine you mean them). Never will be. But sometimes it was okay - I was up for it. There are gatherings that are okay to a lesser or greater extent and that depends a lot on the people and my mood. Sorry this wasn't supposed to be about me. But I do understand what you mean about that you can and do go out and it's okay and then at other times it's just so not okay. Makes perfect sense to me. Giving yourself permission to say; "You know what guys, on second thoughts I'm just not feeling up to it tonight so you just go and have a great time and we'll catch-up another time." and not feel guilty, bad or wrong or whatever is liberating.
Please don't worry about not knowing who you are or who you want to be. We are all works in progress. I'm barely beginning to understand me. Don't be too hard on yourself and give yourself time, you're way ahead of where I was at the same age (come to think of it, where I am).
Sometimes stuff doesn't fit or even make a whole lotta sense. It just is.
Enough Damos, enough.
You take good care now okay.
poster:Damos
thread:605035
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060131/msgs/607269.html