Posted by muffled on November 8, 2005, at 22:05:22
In reply to Re: Its the chewing of my guts...endless » muffled, posted by Tamar on November 8, 2005, at 19:17:51
> > *I think my T. has tried to do the same with me. But sometimes I think I must ahve brain damage or resistance or something.
> I think it takes a long time. And resistance can be part of it. Sometimes it’s easier to resist than to face things head-on. I know I’ve done plenty of resistance. I still resist (which is why I’m avoiding going back to therapy…)*How does a person know their resisting? How do you not resist. Y'know the word resist is one of those words that if you say it too manny times starts to seem really weird!!!!
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> About blanking out in therapy… it sounds a bit like dissociation to me. Possibly because you’re very uncomfortable with the discussion? On the other hand, you might just be tired and finding the whole thing too intense to concentrate. Have you talked about it with your T?*She knows I blank. I do it alot less. I find it excruciatingly difficult to talk about myself. So I just sort of, I dunno, I'm just not all there. I can hear. but its sort of like its far away or something. I can completely miss some things. I'll all of a sudden notice its quiet and I'm sitting there and I'll say, am I supposed to say something? cuz i figger she must be waiting for an answer or something. I don't like it.
> I’m not sure why I am the way I am. For a while I thought there might be some unremembered trauma in my childhood. Now I’m not so sure (although I think it’s true for some people). I’m coming to the conclusion that I was quite emotionally sensitive as a kid, and things that other people seem to deal with easily enough were very problematic to me. But I’m still uncertain…
*whoah, you my clone! Thats me exactly.My T. said the same. Supersensitive maybe. I had a perfect childhood I'm sure. At least thats what I tell myself. can't remember.
There were some obvious traumas in my teens (sexual assaults and some weird stuff involving my father). But I can’t entirely understand why, for example, I routinely dissociated during sex from the very first time I was sexually active….
*I have a bit of a thing about sex but I haven't looked at it yet. I have a wonderful husband, but i'd just as sonn, rather really, just do my own thing as it were. Sex is too intimate I think.
>
> The things that set me off most are arguments with my husband. Not all arguments, but arguments that take on a huge significance for me: when I think he absolutely doesn’t understand me or just doesn’t love me. Of course, I know he does love me. But sometimes I’m just so afraid he doesn’t really love me. Sometimes I’m afraid my love for him makes no difference to him.*Wow. That sounds really hard. Especially when you know your perhaps being illogical, but can't help feeling that way despite yourself. I do that alot.
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> Talking usually makes it better because I realise that (for example) if he wants to watch football on TV instead of talking to me, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. It just means he wants to watch football for a couple of hours. After that, I can have his attention again. I don’t *usually* feel hurt when he watches football; actually, I usually like watching football too. But every now and then I find that something else is going on with me; maybe if I’ve been triggered by something on the news about sexual violence. And then I find it helps if I can talk about it: if I can say to him that I need his attention more than usual because I’ve felt triggered… rather than feeling desperately hurt because he would rather watch football than chat. And he’s getting good at understanding when I’m very anxious so maybe he’ll reassure me and perhaps we end up watching football snuggled up together… It’s just an example, but that’s the kind of thing that happens with me.*That sounds good. Where do the bad feelings go? Do they just go away?
It’s all about throwing all my feelings at him and expecting him to understand, and if he doesn’t understand I feel destroyed…*Does that happen? Man I'd definately SI over that. I'd proly be doing it to punish myself.
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> About the jail thing… I mentioned that because if I don’t SI, sometimes I feel violent urges towards other people. I SI instead because it seems more acceptable to turn those feelings of rage towards myself. I guess the best thing is to talk about those feelings rather than acting on them… Easier said than done, though.*I'm very fortunate I don't get violent to other people. Just to myself. As a teen I was a punk and trashed other peoples stuff and slashed tires etc. I guess thats how I got the violence out.
My problem is ID'ing the feelings and talking about them. I blank then.
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*Guess you kinda sorry you said I could ask you anything eh!!!!
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> Nah… I don’t mind answering questions. If I wasn’t prepared to do it, I wouldn’t be posting…
>
*Thanks again Tamar. Weird how similar some of our stuff is. that makes me feel better too.
Take care,
Muffled.
poster:muffled
thread:576216
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/576924.html