Posted by caraher on October 27, 2005, at 9:00:15
In reply to The Hug I can't have, posted by antigua on October 26, 2005, at 9:51:33
(((antigua)))
I liked Shortelise's post as well, and allisonross' reminder that hugs are a pretty normal thing to need. Whether the T is right or not about the unspoken longings behind your desire for the hug you want so badly I don't think there's any harm done in getting it!
I'm not sure just how other men feel about this, but for me hugs are a kind of touchy (no pun intended) subject, mostly because I consider myself largely hug-deprived. I have never in my life refused *anyone* a hug, but I'm not a hug-initiator. The only person I really feel I can hug just because I feel like it is my wife... well, or my sons.
It's probably not true, but I feel as if I remember pretty much every hug I've ever received outside my own family since adolescence. Hugs from men, hugs from women, hugs from children... And while none of these I would characterize as sexual in any way, I pretty much only ever find myself *wanting* (in the sense of longing or hoping for one) hugs from women. So I guess the desire to be hugged specifically by a man seems fairly natural and innocent to me, and it may have been present regardless of any past history of abuse.
When I first became depressed, when I was in high school, I distinctly remember my mother talking to me and asking what my problem was, and suggesting I see someone for help, etc. (which I refused to do). I don't remember her words. What I do remember was that main thing I wanted, but did not receive, from her at that moment was a hug. I really didn't need to hear about what I should or should not do, or how I feel and why, or any of that. I just wanted to be held. I wonder whether, if that had happened, I might have followed her advice. But the way it turned out for me was that I took her pleading to be more about the way my behavior made *her* feel than it was about her concern *for me*. I felt that she wanted me "better" not as much because she cared how I felt (I wouldn't say I thought she didn't care at all) as for the fact that my emotional condition spoiled her tidy world.
Sad to say, over 20 years later I'm still bitter about this. When she does hug me now (which she almost *never* did back when I was in high school) I always think, "Too late." Yeah, I'm a bit of a jerk about this.
Anyway, I wish I could give everyone here who needs one a real hug.
poster:caraher
thread:572044
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051025/msgs/572343.html