Posted by happyflower on October 21, 2005, at 18:44:36
In reply to Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » happyflower, posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 16:54:29
Hi Tamar! I am glad you responded, I really like how you say things and you seem to really understand me (which is hard for most people). It is kinda of funny that your post is longer than my record breaking one! LOL
>
> I think you are special to him and he wants to come to your concert partly because he likes music and partly because he acknowledges that your playing is related to your therapy and thereby to his work with you.I think you are right about this, I think he kinda sees me as one his accomplishements too and I think since music is so important to him, having a person who used to think music was my life, start playing again because I feel good, because of his help, has to be an ego booster for him. Most clients you don't get to see proof of the success of therapy. Here he can see it publicly for himself.
> I think his continued chatting with you after the end of your session and 25 minutes into his lunch break is a bit of boundary pushing and while he no doubt enjoys it, he probably has a few concerns about it, and it might cause him to strengthen other boundaries… for example, by saying you aren’t VERY special to him and he doesn’t want to be VERY special to you.
One thing that is interesting is that the "special conversation" took place months before he started to loosen his boundries. So he really didn't tighten any boundries, he has loosened them in the last couple months of sessions. Plus the disclosure are really getting more personal too.He still keeps his phone boundries very professional. He will not chat with me on the phone, only business, usually making or changing an appointment. He has told me why he isn't so friendly on the phone, and I am okay with it.
> But I think it’s inevitable that he will be very special to you. I believe he ought to understand that many clients feel their therapists are very special. I worry about that more than I worry about the 25 minutes chatting after session. It sounds to me as if he isn’t aware enough of your likely responses to him.
What do you mean by likely responses? I am not following what you mean. The 25 minutes of chatting come after my session of 50 minutes, which is right before his lunch hour. But he seems to like to keep scheduling for the hour before his lunch, which you know I don't mind one bit.
> Unless… he means that he doesn’t want to be VERY special in the sense that he doesn’t want to encourage you to think there could be a relationship outside therapy.In the beginning, and before we saw each other at the gym, he was very clear about the feduciairy relationship between us and that I am not very special to him (like his wife, or daughter, or family). We had this conversation the session after I quit because he said he was good liar. Then I felt bad, and sent him that card. We never talked about the card, but maybe that is what sparked off the I am not very special to him conversation. We haven't had any of the I am not special to him talks for several months. In fact it almost seems like he can't deny those feeling anymore.
> Nevertheless, you have a relationship outside therapy if he chats to you during his lunch hour. But that’s probably as far as he’s prepared to go.
You are probably right, about this. He has been a T for a long time and trains other T's too, so unless he is truely in love with me and what to wait the 2 year period, things won't progress past this.
> I am sure you’re right when you think he’s probably attracted to you. I’ve never seen you, but I suspect that most men are attracted to you. You have a very appealing sense of humour and honesty that I think almost any (straight) man would find alluring.
Thanks! LOL I am an honest person, maybe too honest, but you don't think gay guys would like me? LOL just kidding, giving you a hard time! :) You know sometime I catch him just looking at me with those bedroom eyes if you know what I mean. Once I looked at him and said" What" , like what are you looking at!
> HOWEVER… most therapists simply will not get involved in friendships or romantic relationships with their clients. It would be risking his job if he did. And if he’s read the literature, he knows that it would also mean exploiting you because you are vulnerable right now. If he were prepared to exploit you, he wouldn’t be the good guy you believe he is.
You are right about this, I wouldn't expect him to ever make a move on me while I am married or while I am currently a client of his. I am not sure about after therapy though.
> On the other hand… I do believe that there can be real love between a therapist and a client. And also real attraction. Some of it may be transference, but some of it can be real love, attraction and affection.Thank you for that, I believe it too.
> The challenge in those circumstances is to enjoy the real love for what it is. And believe me, I’m still working on that! My own attempt to solve this is to acknowledge my love for my ex-therapist and try to focus on what I *can* have rather than on what I *can’t* have. It’s easier said than done, of course... And it’s hard to be satisfied with only part of what you want. But if you can enjoy looking at him in therapy and at the gym, if you can enjoy being the focus of his attention in session, if you can enjoy having sexual fantasies about him, and if you can enjoy some mild flirtation with him (knowing that he’s probably interested in you too), then that’s a lot of enjoyment.
Thank you for the letting me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even if I can't be his true friend or lover, I can at least enjoy what I do share with him. I do have a lot of fun with the fantasies, of course all babblers know that by now. LOL
> I’ve often wished my therapist were so attracted to me that he would throw caution to the wind and risk everything for a couple of hours with me. And of course, in that scenario, he wouldn’t regret one second of it. And I curse my average looks and my extra weight and our marriages and his profession and all that stuff.
Hey, I think I am average looks too and overweight and married. He even sees me without my hair done and no makeup at the gym! LOL I guess he is seeing the real me!
> But… I know that even if I were a supermodel he wouldn’t f*ck me. And what’s better is that even though I’m not a supermodel, he liked me and enjoyed working with me.
I think being liked for who you are is much more important than someone only liking you for how you look!
> And you’re in an even better situation: you know in your heart that he’s attracted to you. Even if he’d never do anything about it, you know he’s thought about it. And so you know that it’s something of a sacrifice to him to maintain professional boundaries.I guess I never thought about him struggling with this either. I guess it can go both ways especially since he is also married, and if he knows I like him and he really likes me.
Unfortunately, part of maintaining those boundaries means never telling you if he feels attracted to you. So even if you’re sure it’s true, you’ll never get him to confess it, and that’s a real bummer.
Yup, a bummer, but I think I don't need him to tell me I think I already know without the words.
> Nevertheless, he’s thinking primarily of how to work with you so that you can find lasting happiness in life… I have no doubt that it’s a sacrifice for him not to throw caution to the wind. But in a way it’s also the ultimate compliment to you that he doesn’t.
You are too funny! I guess I will just have to keep my dreams of him throwing caution to the wind. LOL
Just a nosey question, Tamar, but what is your profession? I think you would make such a great T yourself!
> Just my two cents.Thanks again for your support and understanding me more than I do myself. I feel much better tonight because of what you said. I guess I just need to treasure what I do have and not worry about it. If it was meant to be, then it will happen, right? :)
poster:happyflower
thread:569871
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051018/msgs/570085.html