Posted by daisym on September 9, 2005, at 0:27:52
The downside to feeling connected to your therapist is the propensity to push yourself to say those things you've been thinking about but were scared to say. I did that today and it was one of those sessions where I had each of you in my ear at different times, thinking about what you'd written about what you wished you had said, or actually did say, or regretted saying. So thank you all for your cosmic support today.
The topic, again, was how I feel about him and how that was evolving to include thinking about him teaching me that sex could be safe and feel good. At first we talked about how hard I was trying to crush these feelings, and he teased me about using a cattle prod on my "loving feelings" to try and corral them. I like how he refers to them, "loving feelings" --it doesn't sound adolescent and it gives room for the way they evolved from session to session. When we talked about sex, he gently pulled the details of the fantasy out, but I wasn't mortified, it was such a thoughtful discussion about what I wished and how it could be. He talked enough to not leave me hanging in the silence too, which was important. He straight out asked me if I saw myself with someone other than my husband and I said, "yes, you."
I watched for signs of flinching, but didn't detect any. I was brave enough to ask him to tell me what he was thinking and not just the usual "everything is OK to say in here" speech. He laughed and said, "Well everything IS OK to say in here" but then he looked me straight in the eyes and said he was really OK with everything we'd been talking about and in fact he was deeply touched and honored. I had to ask, "Even about imagining having sex with you?" and to that he said he was flattered. I said, "That was NOT the answer I expected." He said why not, of course, and I said I expected him to be insulted. He shook his head and then I said, "What if you are the only one I ever think I could ever be safe with?" He said "it's a start. And it's OK."
There was lots of other stuff, some of it painful and hard. I need to think about how to share more of it. I'm a little amazed at myself but really glad I finally said a lot more of what I've been thinking about. We still have a ton of work to do because I discovered a number of things about how I view sex that surprised me today. But for now, having him accept these longings and questions feels like a gift. Which is another surprise. I'm not surprised he handled it well, I'm surprised to discover I was holding my breath. And now I can let it out. At least a little.
I know I've posted a lot about this and you are all probably sick of it. But you have no idea how much all of your input helped me today. So thank you. I love you all. :)
poster:daisym
thread:552559
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050901/msgs/552559.html