Posted by Daisym on June 23, 2005, at 15:26:34
In reply to Re: Confusing Session (long) ***TRIGGERS*** » daisym, posted by Tamar on June 23, 2005, at 6:05:10
I'd like to hear the rest of your thoughts. I think I can take them.
What you said makes a lot of sense, about wanting to rewrite your story. I want to think about it and mull it over in my head. Because it answers the question for me of "how could *I* knowing how dangerous those feelings are, want this?" The more I try to understand all of this, the more I don't seem to want this.
I think I should try to ask about the touching stuff. Maybe when he gets back from his vacation. Because I've been thinking I'd like to hug him good-bye but then I'm afraid he will "notice" how unattractive I am if I get that close to him. And I'm sure that I'm talking about physical stuff but I'm equally sure I'm talking about other stuff too. Somehow I guess I think I will contaminate him. For a long time I felt so young and small that I didn't want to get close enough to gage his real size. Or have it brought back into reality. I needed him to be big enough to protect me. Now I feel like I'm so big that I would squash him. Again, has nothing to do with my real size, because I'd guess I'm 4 or 5 inches shorter than he is. (OK, OK, I am a bit wider.) Touch is fraught with peril for me. I hate to be touched. My friend who is a therapist wants me to have physical therapy so I will let go of my tension in my neck and begin to associate touch with relaxation. I have another friend who goes to holding therapy. The therapist literally holds her head and neck. She said she cries the whole time. (She experienced severe csa.)
I love what you said about your phallic safety issue. I guess because I have boys that part of the anatomy doesn't bother me much. I'm much more hung up on my own parts and what is showing and not showing. The more I think about this, the more I'm getting clear that I'm afraid of my own ability to be seductive. I think I'm not at all, but what if I am wrong? Most women are proud of that ability -- I think it turns good men into bad people. I'll have to think about this some more. Maybe I want my therapist to want the woman in me but because I'm pretty regressed still with him, this feels really, really wrong.
Thanks Tamar, you've given me some real insights to myself. I sooo appreciate the time you are taking to hash through this with me. I hope it isn't too painful to retell these details. I'll hug you in a safe way -- ((((Tamar))))
poster:Daisym
thread:516928
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050622/msgs/517561.html