Posted by Dinah on May 26, 2005, at 19:33:57
In reply to Chapter 2. Communicating feelings., posted by Dinah on May 26, 2005, at 19:13:46
Eeek. The touchiest and most embarassing section for last...
I feel exposed all over just thinking about it. And I don't think we've ever addressed it directly in therapy. Toooo touchy a subject.
"To be special means to have reached the therapist on some more personal level, to be appreciated for more than one's fees. To be special is to be needed back."
Wow.
One of our recurring jokes now is based on my statement that I'd never know whether he cared about me as more than an income stream. For some reason, that term struck his fancy.
I've always known I seek to reach him on a personal level. That can mean a lot of things.
I feel silly happy when I elicit a drawl from him. He's mostly gotten rid of it, but when he's most authentically him, he still drawls.
I want so much for him to be fond of me. For him to be amused by me. For him to give me the casual pat on the head sort of affection that I crave.
I want for him to recognize how well I know him. So that when he acknowledges that yes, I was right when I guessed he always made his bed. Or yes, I was right when I guessed that he didn't often use the word "boss". Or what he said to me the other day, that meant a whole lot to me. He said that when something's wrong at home, or he's worried about something, he comes into therapy thinking he's got on a good front, but that I can always see through it, no matter how hard he tries. I think that meant more to me than when he expresses fondness for me in words.
Actually, him saying something about me in words means not all that much to me. The time he told me that when he tells me he cares about me, he means more or less what I mean when I say I love him doesn't mean as much as those moments.
Moments when he drawls. Moments when he smiles, or chuckles, or throws back his head and laughs at something I've said that's very "me". Moments when he acknowledges that I can *see* the real him.
He tells me I'm special. He puts it in a way that's not terribly personal. He says I've been with him for far longer than any other client. That I've invested more in the relationship, and he's invested more in the relationship through hard work and "fighting to relationship" than he has with anyone else he sees. And he apologized once for not distinguishing me from the average client on some reaction or another, because I told him what's the point in putting in ten years of hard work if I end up being no closer to him than when I first started.
But even that acknowledgement of the work we've put in, and the fighting to relationship that I so value, doesn't mean as much as a chuckle or a drawl.
They mean too much.
I've talked about this indirectly I suppose. But after re-reading this chapter, I see that I've been avoiding talking about it directly.
poster:Dinah
thread:491935
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050521/msgs/503326.html