Posted by Jazzed on May 20, 2005, at 18:10:01
In reply to i wore her out, posted by shrinking violet on May 20, 2005, at 16:11:29
> ......i did something to her, that's for sure. My (now ex-) t.
>
> I'm in the process of seeing if i can be admitted to a residential treatment facility in a nearby state. It'll be 2-3 more weeks until i find out for sure. In the meantime, my medical doc and my psych (both part of my treatment team at school, both worked closely with my t) are staying in touch with me to find out what happens, to make sure i'm holding up okay and not getting worse, etc in the interim. Technically, they are on vacation for summer, since Health Services closes for the summer, yet they are going to try to stay in some contact with me. My nutritionist, also works for Health Services and also off for the summer although she said she'd be around every couple of weeks or so, said i could email her, keep in touch, stop by and see her if i needed anything, etc. They're all pretty "excited" about my finally realizing i need more intense treatment. I think it took losing my support, which i seemed to take for granted when i had them (and which i feel horribly about.....) to jar me and make me realize that, yeah, i'm in trouble now. My life is full of ironies.
>
> My t though.....A huge part of my treatment, of course, a huge supporter of me in a lot of ways. She worked tirelessly all of this time, trying to get me to agree to inpatient treatment to begin with. And she does work in the summer. But, my medical doc and psych aren't even mentioning her, at all, not even trying to involve her. So I feel like she must have told them something, for them to almost glaringly ignore her existence. It's almost as if I never met her. I feel like i did something to make her cut me off so abruptly, for her not to feel like she would want to be part of this process (finally!), what we've been sort of working toward for a couple of years now. I feel like i must have done somethhing......Either I wore her out, or she felt that i pushed the relationship too far....maybe she thought i was becoming too close and personal and it made her uncomfortable? Again, ironic, as I always tried to be careful to NOT do that. I always tried to say things to her she's already said to me. Why is it okay for her to say that I'm in her heart, and that she cares for me, and that I mean a great deal to her, but when I try to show it or say it in my way, it's wrong? I very rarely show people how I feel about them (I very rarely feel anything deep or meaningful toward anyone anyway), but when I do, I feel like they can't handle it. Why can't I care for people in the right way? What is it about me that scares everyone off? :-(
>
> Maybe i took it too literally. I mean, actions speak louder than words, they say. So, where is she now? If she cares so much, blah blah, why is she turning on me when, finally, things might be starting to turn around? I thought she'd at least want to be a part of that in some way. And she is, I mean, I feel like she's the one who put this little flame in me, the one that seems to be guiding me now....I wish I had told her that. I wish I had felt it before, so I could have told her. Maybe she thinks she has nothing to offer me as a T?
>
> If there were a "worst client in the world" award, I'd win every year.
>
> I don't know....but *something* happened. Something. And it feels really bad, because I could use her support right now, and I wish I knew how she was feeling b/c maybe we could talk it out and fix it. But, ha, another irony, because when I had her support and those chances, I took it for granted or let them slip by.
>
> Whatever it is I did, I'm so so so so sorry. I wish everything could have happened differently, I wish I could have "come around" a lot sooner...I wish and regret so many things. But most of all, I'm so sorry for doing this to her, for doing whatever i did to make her disappear.HI Shrinking,
I'm so sorry that you're T reacted the way she did. IF indeed she has withdrawn because of the reasons you stated then that isn't very professional, but I've been reading all the books available on therapy and transference/countertransference from Amazon, and I think there could be some other things going on. I think sometimes if you're going into a facility, the T pulls back to allow you to make a better transition. OR, the T might have felt overwhelmed by your feelings, or maybe by her own. I think that if you would send her a letter and put :
"My t though.....A huge part of my treatment, of course, a huge supporter of me in a lot of ways. She worked tirelessly all of this time, trying to get me to agree to inpatient treatment to begin with. And she does work in the summer. But, my medical doc and psych aren't even mentioning her, at all, not even trying to involve her. So I feel like she must have told them something, for them to almost glaringly ignore her existence. It's almost as if I never met her. I feel like i did something to make her cut me off so abruptly, for her not to feel like she would want to be part of this process (finally!), what we've been sort of working toward for a couple of years now. I feel like i must have done somethhing......Either I wore her out, or she felt that i pushed the relationship too far....maybe she thought i was becoming too close and personal and it made her uncomfortable? Again, ironic, as I always tried to be careful to NOT do that. I always tried to say things to her she's already said to me. Why is it okay for her to say that I'm in her heart, and that she cares for me, and that I mean a great deal to her, but when I try to show it or say it in my way, it's wrong? I very rarely show people how I feel about them (I very rarely feel anything deep or meaningful toward anyone anyway), but when I do, I feel like they can't handle it. Why can't I care for people in the right way? What is it about me that scares everyone off? :-("
in it, then how could she possibly not respond to you. Maybe she has no idea how this is effecting you.
I hope the best for you. Keep us posted.
Jazzed
poster:Jazzed
thread:500434
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/500492.html