Posted by 10derHeart on May 20, 2005, at 9:22:57
In reply to Re: Relationship with T/Bad Session (very long) » 10derHeart, posted by Dinah on May 19, 2005, at 19:12:43
Hi Dinah,
You must have a sixth sense, or I'm just so fortunate you were checking this board so soon after I posted. I really wanted your take on this before I went back this morning.
> My guess is that he really wasn't there as much as usual. That's good in a way, because it means he's all the way there an awful lot. No one can be one hundred percent always there.
What a great point. I may say this to him. I think it would be a nice thing to point out. We've been disconnected before - recently - but it wasn't like this. It was more me. So in six months, this seems like the 1st time. Pretty good track record ;-)
> I get frantic when I can't feel that connection, even now. But I'm a lot more aware while it's happening.
Yeah. Awareness I'm usually pretty darn good at. But I was so distressed about trying to explain my fears of finding a new job, I was less "myself" than usual. My mistake was not pausing to let the "subtext" running through my head the other day come out. It wasn't really up at the surface till I was leaving...and you know how that can feel. Time's up, gotta go, great - can't say the most important thing.
>I leave feeling anxious and distressed. Much like an infant must feel when Mom is distracted and not totally there.
This resonates so much with me I can't stand it.
Perhaps that child is me is stirring and trying to teach me some things more than I want to admit right now.> Can you ask him if he would mind if you ask next time? That if you sense that he's not fully engaged, is it ok to ask if he's really all there today?
Sure. I likely can say that. I'm generally fairly bold about these things. I almost don't have to ask. He would wholeheartedly endorse me doing that, I know. I just didn't this time. Perhaps being caught off guard or something.
> Because I think the biggest part of emotional holding is both persons being fully engaged in the moment, and both persons contributing their fair share of emotions.
This may be the most important thing you wrote to me. You put it so well. Your post is getting printed off, along with ShortE's. Like I told her, I seem to have some fear of talking about his emotions. Don't know if I sound like I'm attacking his skills, or demanding something he should only have to give as he sees fit, or what. But if I'm determined, I'll tell him I'm hesitating and why, and it will come out anyway.
Wish me determination and focus. And not to deflect with jokes. He won't go for that, I'm sure, but I may try it to relieve the tension and stall that way. I'm so predictable.
poster:10derHeart
thread:500036
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/500296.html