Posted by 10derHeart on May 19, 2005, at 17:50:19
Hi everyone,
Things in therapy have been going okay for me, mostly. Until yesterday. My session was so weird. After I left, it bothered me more and more. We talked about a certain subject, at my request, leaving other things behind for now, because I'm so stressed about it I can't focus on anything else. Has to do with me needing to find a part time job, and why I seem to be so scared of some of the steps needed to do so. To my surprise, it's triggering all sorts of feelings of worthlessness, incompetance (sp.?), self-loathing - all sorts of nasty stuff. I knew I was sensitive around this, but not to THIS degree. Meaning I cried a good portion of the time. There is nothing unusual about that, and I am okay with all sorts of reasons for crying in session with him. Normally, although it's hard to pin down what he says or does, he helps with the feeling so bad and the tears somehow, just by validating things, and contradicting those that are just way out there (negative). And also by *being* in the room in a certain way. Who can articulate this? Not I, but I trust most know what I mean. Well, yesterday he was so not there :-(
So what happened? Somehow, even though I think I recall saying plenty of bad stuff about myself, he just wasn't "there" to soften it or argue with it. Just kept taking notes and saying nothing. It was like we were complete strangers in the room. I make only occasional eye contact, but this time was worse than ever. I remember worrying I'd look up and find a bad look on his face - bored, angry at my stupid ramblngs, or staring off into space - something. And when I did peek, I noticed his foot tapping like crazy. Now he does this some, but never this much. Every time I peeked, his foot was going 100mph. Maybe this is my stuff, but I used to do that too, before ADD meds and a calmer mindset, etc. Quite often for me, it did mean I was bored, impatient, needing out of the situation. So that's how I felt he felt.
More than that, there were a few too many, "Mmm-hmms," and "uh-huhs" for my taste. That can get really dismissive and patronizing to my ears. Is this crazy? Am I projcting all over the place? We talked about my projecting a lot yesterday, and I agreed that when I'd say I thought he should laugh at me, or think I'm a failure, or an idiot, or a waste of human flesh - that YES, those were my thoughts about myself I was attributing to him.
But. Everything can't be chalked up to projection, right? I mean, the man has to be available with his own thoughts and feelings part of the time, right? So I can test out things with him, and have some give and take. And most of all stay connected. (I swear sometimes I'd do anything for that connection. Frantic. Desparate about it.) Yesterday, he seemed like a stone, or almost a blank slate (and he's NOT a blank slate T.) or something. I just felt so ALONE in there. But I can't think of something to say he was doing or saying to cause this. I also felt, very early on but I don't know when, that all the safety just left the room. Felt like the rest of the session was a fake interaction. A business meeting, or a bad interview. Yukky.
So....I send him an email this a.m., briefly explaining how badly I felt, how I was worried what he was thinking yesterday, that we felt like strangers, I didn't feel safe, etc. I also asked for an extra session (I go 1x/week on Wed.). Felt like an idiot sending that, but when I agonzed over it, I thought better to fight this through, no matter how confusing or uncomfortable, than to hold it in for a week.
I'm already having "depression-lite" and working to keep it from escalating, if I can. Hard to apply for jobs if you slide downward, obviously. So I was afraid not to address this. I'll admit, I was testing him, too. Not consciously when I wrote/sent the email, but now I realize I was. I HAVE to find out how valuable this therapy with me is to HIM. He knows I'm anxious about losing it if I don't start working (the copay will become impossible in a couple months, tops). But if HE doesn't "care enough," then how can I? Well, he sent the following email back, leaving me feeling quite a bit better. Wondering what you guys think:
"I am so sorry that you feel this way. Upon reflection, I am at a loss (which is not good) to identify how or when the safety was sucked out of the room. It sounds to me like you are more than worried, you sound wounded. It would never be my intent to leave you feeling wounded or to send the message that I don't care. Can you come in tomorrow at 1030? I would like to give you the opportunity to address this before the weekend."?? Probably nothing monumentally wonderful, but I was relieved. Anyone who leaves voicemails/emails for their T's know what I mean? The doubts you have after, that you'll get an answer you can't stand, or no answer, or he'll misunderstand, or be all prickly-sounding..?
(Dinah especially) Does this sound like fighting to relationship? It is very confusing and hard. I doubt my own gut instincts more with this T. more than anywhere in life. I know it's only been 6 months with him - hard to compare to your long relationship, but... I guess I'm looking for reassurance he's reasonably caring about me. That we both sound like we're on the right track to strengthen the relationship.
This post didn't flow so well, but I'm not very focused. Too worried about tomorrow. Don't know how to approach it. If he didn't notice anything, then maybe I'm making it all up?! But I can't be - something WAS wrong. How can I explain it to him, though? Guess I'm pretty scared of leaving there two times in a row feeling empty and like we just met.
Because that feeling sucked :-(
poster:10derHeart
thread:500036
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/500036.html