Posted by B2chica on May 17, 2005, at 9:13:54
In reply to it's out and i feel worse. ****BIG TRIGGER****, posted by B2chica on May 16, 2005, at 11:27:05
thanks ShortE, i've jumped into that chair.
thanks 10derheart
about your thoughts on CSA. i had a good talk with my T yesterday and he kept refering to it being 'trauma'. i told him i hated that he was using that word. in the back of my mind, if it happened to someone else i would agree, but i just can't seem to for myself. i just can't see it as CSA. i guess i keep thinking of that as an adult abusing a child 'sexually', not a sibling (and neighbor boy) both only slightly older than me.anastasia, i like the idea of the ghost coming out, but it seems like it's only more visible right now. in fact i'm trying to shove it back into that closet but i can't grab it to push it back.
it's like the suicidal ideation is coming in waves. My T is going to be out of town for the next couple days. he wanted me to be admitted into Hosp. last night. he even called my husband (with my permission of course) to tell him i'm at risk and he wanted me in.
but i kept going back and forth, and finally when i said i'll probably go it was already 9:00 and figured i'd just take a couple sleeping pills and go to bed. i hoped today would be better but i'm still getting these waves. i probably should go. i don't know. i'm tired of going, but at least i feel safe there.
i told my T about my taking a handful of pills friday and washing them down with bottle and half wine. that's one main reason he wanted me in, cuz i took the step from thinking about it to acting on my impulse.but i keep thinking, i have meetings at work tomorrow, and one tonight. i don't want to miss them, but i want to be safe. i''ll feel like a liar if i don't cuz at the end of our conversation i told my T that i'd go. but i haven't. what about my job, gosh dang it i don't want to loose it with all my hospital stays. but as my husband said, if i die i won't have a job either ...(that made me chuckle) i don't know.
any suggestions?
i guess i am worried cuz i'm mostly fine one minute and then this tidal wave of wanting to take a handful of pills or pull out infront of a semi comes over me. But then if i ride it out i'm fine again.
right now, i'm down but i'm at work and think i can do a little (not much and probably not well, but i can do some)thank you so very much for ALL your support on my sick little secrets.
b2c.
poster:B2chica
thread:498472
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/498864.html