Posted by Tamar on May 16, 2005, at 14:55:09
In reply to it's out and i feel worse. ****BIG TRIGGER****, posted by B2chica on May 16, 2005, at 11:27:05
> Friday i finally said what i never even said to myself, and i'm ready to bring it out here.
> i talked about some of the sexual things i was 'made' to do. by...a relative. not an adult (so it's not really CSA).I agree with 10derHeart: it *was* CSA. And sometimes I think there's a particular nastiness if the abuse is done by a child instead of an adult, because children are supposed to be innocent. They aren't really, but we tend to think they are. In any case, whoever the abuser is, it's always a sickening betrayal of trust.
> but the threats were there, of how bad i was that i deserved the spankings and with the sexual things, that's what 'little sisters were supposed to do, i was supposed to do EXACTLY as he told or ELSE (and my parents confirmed it when i'd ask -do i have to do as xxx says? -everytime mother replied 'Yes, you MUST listen to him'.
It's so awful that you thought you had to do those things. I'm so sorry that no one protected you.
> the times they pinned me down while i cried as they did things, things that scared me, that hurt me physically.
> and now...i feel worse that it's out to my T. he said it's common that it happens. he was polite and said he in no way meant to 'dismiss' what i'd just said but that it happens a lot.
> so now i'm left wondering, so was that normal? all that pain and fear i had, was i supposed to have that? was it ok what he (they) did?No, it's not 'normal'. It may be common, but it's wrong nevertheless. No, it was not OK what they did. It's heartbreakingly common; it's never OK.
> i don't understand.
> if it happens all the time does that mean that my feelings about it are all messed up?Not at all. Lots of bad things happen all the time: burglary, fraud, theft. Like CSA, these things are wrong. And it would be strange if you didn't have intense feelings about it.
> now i feel like my dirty little secret is out and i feel humiliated, sickened, disgusting, worthless, stupid and most of all, weak. i can't stand living with this secret out, i want to take it back.Saying stuff like this for the first time is incredibly hard. You're so brave; I really admire you.
(((((B2C)))))
Take care of yourself.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:498472
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/498548.html