Posted by Susan47 on March 18, 2005, at 15:50:28
In reply to Re: Dissipated, into the Ethereal » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on March 18, 2005, at 14:08:09
Well you see, what you say here now, is what I was thinking about today. That I have this mis-developed personality, I HAD it, because I took on this importance in the life of my father, importance he had no business giving me. I became the focus, the center of his feelings about himself. So of course, everything I said, every look I gave, every move I made, had meaning for him. God, I remember telling C that Everything Has Meaning, from the colour of my socks to...whatever. You know? I remember saying that, and wondering why it felt so true, when I didn't really want things to be that way for me. Because of course, it was true, it was true for my father about me. Oh man. So children like me, we grow up thinking we're the center of the universe, KNOWING intellectually, because we're smart, you and I, knowing that of COURSE we're not, but not emotionally having ever developed the capacity to feel that we're a small, teeny part of everything, everything that happens is not because of something WE personally have done ...
it's a very twisted perception to have, it develops illness. My illness, the one I had, and am learning to outgrow. Because I read through my letters, and I realized that this was important to me at a time in my life, it has no more hold over me, and during it all, during all of it, the person I was sending these letters to was having lunch, and going to the bathroom, and picking up his kids from school, and picking his nose or whatever. You know? And what I was going through was always mine, it was mine alone, the glory and the wonder and the pain of it and the beauty and everything, it was always inside me, it's always been there, it was built up over years of suppression. I own all the beauty in my mind. And no, I'm not feeling manic or super-powerful or intelligent or rich or anything else. I'm just me, Susan, born into myself.
poster:Susan47
thread:472086
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050315/msgs/472538.html