Posted by Susan47 on March 18, 2005, at 12:57:10
In reply to Re: So Much Anxiety, today » 10derHeart, posted by Susan47 on March 18, 2005, at 9:27:28
My anxiety is gone. Gone. I hope, please, let that last. I had to push his boundaries once again, yet AGAIN, damn it, for him to realize how much I needed these notes and letters back in my possession. How much easier if I hadn't had to communicate to him my distress, my anxiety... How I needed to have what he touched, once again in my hands. Because I don't feel I was ever really respected, especially when I was at my weakest ... so much of the time. So weak. Him, unable to hold, unavailable because I was too challenging, too much. I've always been a challenge, to myself more than anybody.
I don't know what he thinks of me,
don't know what he thought,
can't care.BUT I do know this.
He returned my notes and letters
because I asked him to.
He heard that.
Eventually, he did hear that.
And I love that he heard it.
And I love that he helped me.But listen to this, this is really really funny. One of my notes says this, that "we" did good "work" "together". All in one go, like that, but see how I've separated out the words here with quotation marks. To emphasize that there was never a we who worked together. I was so delusional at times in my desire to keep this free-based love real.
It was a blocked relationship from the very beginning, first sight for me, because I went, ah-HAH, THIS is what I've always been looking for!!! He was safe, he was beautiful to watch, lovely to listen to, "caring" in the context of that relationship and THAT's where I went psycho. It was a relationship dependent on too many things, dependent on money, social structure, need to protect oneself from "harm" ... none of those issues had been approached before I began to feel things that I'd forgotten were possible.. wonderful, life-giving feelings... the trust hadn't been built yet... the trust that he would be there for me with the agreement that I would be there for myself as soon as the time was right. It was not concern I saw on his face one morning, it was fear.
But it's not my shame, not anymore. I'm not living with that anymore.
poster:Susan47
thread:472086
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050315/msgs/472471.html