Posted by Skittles on March 10, 2005, at 21:13:34
I certainly hadn't planned to, but I got more hurt than I ever thought was possible in that room which was supposed to be safe.
Lately there's been a big internal struggle over whether it was safe to let T be in so much. I had an appointment Monday during which I hardly spoke and she told me that she would be out of town all next week. After that crummy session combined with the internal war and the shame I feel over things she know about me, I felt like I was in a place where I wouldn't miss her while she was gone. I was afraid if I went to my appointment today, that might change so I cancelled in order to not go through the pain of missing her. She called and we talked about my reasons for cancelling and I decided to go with that decision. Later in the day, I started feeling bad about that and called to get my appointment back. So T knew going into the appointment today that I was very conflicted about being there.
Another thing that's important for you to know is that a few weeks ago I asked her to sit with me and we've been doing that pretty much every session since then. Occasionally I ask, but most the time she does. I've found this so helpful in connecting with her, feeling comforted by her and actually being able to carry those feelings with me b/w appointments. Well, today she didn't sit with me and she told me near the end of session that she was staying in her chair deliberately, not to abandon me, but because she wanted to show me that the connection is real and still there even if she's gone (meaning on her trip)or not beside me. Then we talked for the first time about what her sitting with me means to me. I explained to her what I said above. But she still didn't relent.
Well I did/do feel abandoned, completely. Why would she do something big like this right before leaving? I wish she'd never said anything about it because then I'd have just assumed she didn't do it because I didn't ask. I was/am feeling so lost and hurt and alone and like she did a cruel thing today. She's been talking to me a lot about how it's ok to have needs and to ask people to meet them. But this is EXACTLY why I have such a hard time with it. Because you never know when somethings going to be ok and then all of a sudden you run into this brick wall and it's not ok anymore and it gets taken away just when you start to feel safe with it. And right before she leaves, to boot. So now, on top of csa related shame that overwhelms me, I'm overcome with the shame of letting my needs be known and now feeling that they were wrong or bad or *too* needy.
I knew I had to quit. Working on the old hurt is hard enough, but adding such huge new hurt to it is more than I can bear. She isn't safe anymore. I couldn't tell her all this because it happened at the end of session and I knew that tears would come and there would be no way to pull myself back together in time to go. So after we left her office, when she was asking about my next appointment, I told her that I quit. She said something like, "you can't just come out here and do that without us even talking about it. You deserve to get better." (though I don't see what I did as being any different than what she sprung on me) I just shook my head and told her I was sorry. She took my check, crossed the next appointment time off my receipt and handed it to me. Didn't look at me and didn't say goodbye. She was clearly angry. I don't blame her. The way I did it was wrong even though it was the only way I felt like I could do it at the time. But no "goodbye" out of her mouth still really hurts.
I can't even begin to explain how sad I am. It's like someone very dear to me has died.
poster:Skittles
thread:469454
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050305/msgs/469454.html