Posted by fallsfall on March 1, 2005, at 11:29:39
In reply to Re: Prognosis, posted by Daisym on March 1, 2005, at 10:55:35
> Falls,
>
> I can tell you are in a terrifying place. If you define a successful recovery as going back to work, and you are afraid to go back to work, you begin to tell yourself that you don't want to recover and you are "choosing" to be depressed.
>
> I know you have written about this before. But I think you are choosing "safety" and trying to prepare yourself for the bumps and curves that life always throws. That is not a "bad" thing. This is one of those situations in which there is no one right answer. I know you hate hearing that. Choosing to go slow, to make easy choices first, to give yourself lots of time...those are all wise things to do. Not giving up therapy, or your other supports is a wise thing to do.
>
*** I hate going slow. I try to equate it to being physically in shape. That there is only so much that you can do at first - that it is all cumulative and that you have to build the base first. But then I feel like a complete idiot that after 48 years I still don't have the skills to go to work.> We've talked about other options besides working -- that you can define successful recovery as feeling good about what you are doing with your time and who you are. Someone else suggested a few options. But the practical realities of being a grown-up mean looking at self-sufficiency at some point -- how do you meet your basic human needs for food, shelter and clothing. Again, there are a variety of ways to do this, you have to get to a place where you are comfortable with your choice, among the options.
>
*** I honestly don't see that there are options. Either I am "better" (working), or I am working on getting "better" (working). Some of this may be because my dad was very successful (so my definition of success is very high). Some of it may be because my mother never worked (but she has a very successful volunteer "career"), and my father puts her down all the time. I know I have a lot of work to do in this area.> The scariest part, at least for me, are those old expectations. I think sometimes I still think that eventually therapy will help me get back to who I was before I crashed, before depression was a part of my life. I have to stop and think, "no, I'm not going back. I'm going forward into a new reality where my old ways of doing things no longer work. I might not be a superstar anymore, but maybe, just maybe, I'll be truly happy with myself. Content instead of driven." Sounds very far away for me right now. But I know I don't have to be "all better" right away or all at once. I think Dinah is right -- you are both right.
>
*** But giving up on being who I was is part of what has deposited me here. And how do you work towards something if you don't know what the something is? So I'm working towards a goal of being "better" some (most?) of the time - but now my therapist doesn't like that goal... sigh.> Remember, baby steps.
>
> (((Falls)))*** Right. Baby steps for the 48 year old. (sorry... guess I'm still pretty upset about this whole thing...) I know you are right. But that is yet another thing I have to learn to do.
*** Hugs are always appreciated.
poster:fallsfall
thread:464547
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050225/msgs/464895.html