Posted by fallsfall on February 23, 2005, at 7:26:59
In reply to Re: Making mountains out of mole hills » Speaker, posted by daisym on February 23, 2005, at 0:55:53
I guess I'm not use to probing this hard into someone else's feelings. Usually I get a good sense of where someone is and I can manuever pretty well to meet their needs. Since this is about me, he doesn't share his needs with me. He admits to getting frustrated when he can't reach me, when I'm tangled up or pulling away. But he says the frustration is around wanting to re-establish the connection so we have the same goal.
*** You are used to other people not recognizing your feelings. And all you have wanted in the past is to figure out how you can make someone else's feelings "OK". This time, instead of being asked to change to "manipulate" someone else's feelings (to make them "happy") you are being asked just to recognize them.
It's like the sensitivity factor has been knocked up 1000 times stronger and I'm clearly devastated by the slightest waver. He tells me this is old, that I'm trying to predict the future based on my perceptions of his feelings.
*** When my feelings are 1000 times stronger than makes sense, that is how I know it is "old".I sometimes think I should sit on things longer. Maybe they would dissipate. I can't seem to control this need to check things out with him, to try to put right whatever feels wrong. (Hey, I need Quantum Leap!)
*** Sitting on things is what you have always done in the past. You sit on your uncomfortable feelings so that you don't end up inconveniencing the other person. Talking about these things is exactly what you need to be doing. This is how you will see that your assumptions (which were valid in the past) are not valid this time. This is how you learn that the whole world is not like the world you grew up in. This *IS* "working through".
I think you are right in that I feel overwhelmingly insecure. I try to hard not to. He gives me no reason to. I know there are a lot of projected feelings in play here. But I don't know what to do about them.
*** You are doing exactly the right thing. By asking about these things you find out how much of your perception is real, and how much of it is projection. Having him tell you honestly how he is feeling is the way you find out what is real.
I've been asking myself if I'm not throwing up these things to deflect from the memories and stories we've been talking about. That would be a sneaky thing for my unconscious to do.
*** This could be true. Yes, our unconsciouses are quite sneaky.
Honestly Falls, I'm questioning what I have hope for in the future.
*** (((((...Daisy)))))...
Everything feels so intense and surreal. I'm freaked out again by the intensity of my feelings and how sensitive to everything I am. This just isn't how I know myself. And, not only am I easily upset by my therapist and therapy sessions, but I can't seem to hold the upset in. I TELL HIM. Sheesh. I barely tell my husband when I'm mad at him.
*** And how successful has this been with your husband???
I have this image of him hanging up after a phone conversation with me, staring at the phone, shaking his head, thinking, "silly woman. She's just going to have to learn that the only one who can make this better is her. I'm just the guide."
*** As a child you learned that you were alone. That noone would rescue you. You can't believe that anyone *can* make a difference. This is one of the times when I think you are projecting.
What is really scary is that he recognizes that I want something from him...but what do I really want? I really don't know. Am I wishing for something completely impossible? I think I feel a secret hope creeping that he can make a difference and I immediately tell myself how dangerous this hope is.
*** You are afraid to hope that he *can* make a difference, because you are afraid that he can, but he *won't*. It's OK to not know what you want. Over time, it will become clear.
I want to ask him if this intensity is common or have I become completely obsessed and I can't see it? And if I am obsessed, what does that mean? I don't want a sexual relationship. I don't have fantasies of life outside the therapy room. So what is this about?
*** The intensity is because you are feeling "old" feelings. The obsession is because the old feelings are incredibly painful - and somewhere, you do believe that things can get better. What is it about? It is about recognizing that someone may actually care about how you feel about something. That your viewpoint just might be valid, that it might matter. You have fantasies of mattering.
I said it before, I'm driving myself crazy.
*** This work that you are doing right now - checking everything out with him, feeling so intensely - is what will make a difference. This is "working through". When I have done this, it has brought great relief. Can you tell yourself that this is the right thing for you to be doing - can you trust him to guide you? You don't have to understand it right now. You just have to have some faith that the process will be beneficial in the long run.
I really do feel bratty with him right now -- I want what I want and I don't want to be told "no". I find that I think he should be able to read my mind and pick up on little hints and when he doesn't, I'm destroyed. I KNOW this is old -- it is replaying what I wish and wanted from my mother. I wanted her to see what was happening without me telling her. I wish naming it, would make me stop doing it!
*** Eventually naming it will help you stop doing it. Trust the process.
It shouldn't be this hard, should it?
*** But the fact of the matter is that it *IS* this hard. But the rewards will be of the same magnitide as the pain. Keep the faith.
poster:fallsfall
thread:462001
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050218/msgs/462171.html