Posted by 10derHeart on January 31, 2005, at 17:56:25
I'm trying to decide whether or not to "force" myself to tell new T. something. I just don't seem to be able to sort it out, and it goes round and round in my head. It's very important because it's a huge piece of the puzzle that led old T. and me to the place where I began to really understand a major unconscious motivation for most of my behavior when getting in and out of relationships (or avoiding them all together). But, it's so hard. It's shameful to me (though old T. did not like me using that term) and weird, too. Not only child-like (which I'm learning to accept is OK), but childish, too. The worst thing is, this was (almost) the hardest thing I ever did in therapy - to tell old T. what I'd been doing. I had to write it in a 2-page-letter. Even as bonded as we were, I couldn't look at him and say it. Then, because he handled it so beautifully, much great insight and more closeness came out of that day. It was my best session in the entire 8 months we worked together. It was the first time I ever cried in front of him. It changed everything, then three weeks later, he left :-( Anyway, after starting as terrifying, it turned out as an extraordinary moment in therapy for me. I doubt I'll ever forget it.
So, the thing is, although my rational side can see this is too essential not to explain to new T., my heart says don't share this - it belongs to old T. alone and this will "spoil" it, or something? Oh, I am not explaining this well at all...
My sessions (2 months now) have been superficial for several reasons, and I think telling this might "break through" that feeling somewhat. I don't know or trust him yet. He is NOT old T. and will never be anything like him. (that's good and bad) - psychologist vs. psychiatrist; extrovert (now) vs. introvert (then). So, the holding back of this one story isn't everything, but, but..oh I don't know.
I realize I haven't said *what* the infomation is. I don't mind too much - we've had whole threads on it here, and some of you may recall I did share it. Um, without all the gory details, I am a client who drove by old T's office and home repeatedly, and a few times watched him leave work. That's all. No following, no calls, mail, stake-outs (sp.?) - nothing more. But I did this for a good 6 months, sometimes 2-3x a day. Enough said there (okay, uh, it IS hard to talk about still). My desparate need to do this, and our talking about it a lot before he left, put my therapy with old T. on such a deep level, it was amazing (totally unresolved grief and deep issues with repeated abandonment started seeping out...) But now, it seems so private, and although I like new T. a lot, that special *something* isn't there. I'm not sure I can stand him knowing this - now or ever.
I'm not afraid he'll think I'm going to "stalk" him or anything. I am so NOT bonded to him, nor do I have deep feelings for him to where any such behavior ever crosses my mind. In fact, I couldn't care less where he lives, etc. And we understand each other well enough so I know he will realize I don't have emotions like that in me for him. So that's not it. I just....don't feel close enough to tell. But, we're getting to a point where he's knows so much about deaths and people leaving me suddenly, and me clinging onto people (even my own child) for dear life..and then they'll be this gaping hole where this has got to be told. It was the culmination of every fear and longing of my life - me trying to connect and reassure myself old T. would still be there. Really, nothing will entirely make sense as to why I ever turned up in new T's office, grieving for old T. so painfully, without telling him this crucial part of how I related to old T.
I want my therapy to move on, not go in circles. He is quite laid back and client-centered, so this is probably mainly up to me. Am I pushing too quickly? It's only been eight sessions. Maybe I should just *try* to say it, and if it won't come out, it's not time yet? Sorry I'm so very rambling, but I had to get this out of my head. It's not huge, but, then again, inside of me, it sort of is. - 10derHeart
PS - It's so ironic - the thing to do would be to ask old T. We are still in touch, but both limiting that quite severely (another interesting part to my story for a future thread) It's funny, because he would be able to help. But, gee, if we could still speak on a therapeutic basis, he'd still be here and I wouldn't need to fight for some kind of relationship with new T., now would I? oh, bother.
poster:10derHeart
thread:450695
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050129/msgs/450695.html