Posted by alexandra_k on January 23, 2005, at 23:10:07
I had all but forgotten about t2. Finding it really hard to get attached to her. Had gotten really bad about turning up on time. Turning up at all etc. Most unlike me. I think it is partly because my thoughts are more with t1. Partly because I am not confident that she is trained to deal with anything more than normal people wanting a bit of support. Partly because I am not sure that we click all that well.
She was trying to restructure my cognitions. I could tell. I was getting annoyed with her. 'It is not a matter of logic', it is not. 'They are not beliefs anyway' etc.
I could see what was happening so I told her about the light.
I said I thought that people came to care about themselves and feel secure in themselves because they internalised the love that was around them. But I never had that. And while there isn't a critical age that is the same for everyone or anything like that it felt like I had missed mine. I have been loved since then. But I cannot internalise it. I am a vampire for the light and it does not fill me at all. I remain empty.
That other people set out thinking they can get me to internalise it, but that they eventually have to leave me because I am draining everything out of them. That I have really believed that I loved and then 6 months down the track realised that I didn't want an equal relationship with them. I wanted them to be my parent. That I wasn't sure that I would ever be capable of loving someone properly. That I am really afraid of people caring about me because I am terrified that I will hurt them.
And she didn't tell me I was illogical or wrong. She just let me talk.
I cried and cried and cried, and now I feel a bit better. Sadder. But better.
I had to give her something. That wasn't really a gift. But I had to try and it was the best I could do.
I feel sick.
But a little bit better.And as I write this I can just see all those beliefs that people itch to challenge. But attacking them with logic will not help me alter them. Experience. Experience is the key. I mean you don't tell a 4 year old to say to itself over and over 'I am worthy of love' so it will come to believe it. You don't tell it to do that, you show it. So why tell me?
Why tell me?
Why not just let me grieve.
I never have before.
But I have to let it out.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:446552
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050122/msgs/446552.html