Posted by littleone on January 24, 2005, at 14:53:36
In reply to t2 and the light (possible trigger), posted by alexandra_k on January 23, 2005, at 23:10:07
Your post really reminded me of something of read just the other day. I've put a quote below which is out of "How I stayed alive when my brain was trying to kill me" by Susan Blauner.
"Life essence is hard to describe because it's the unseen feeling-experience of self, other people and life events. It's a lot like having memories, but instead of recalling information, you recall a feeling connection. Finding life essence is the ability to hold on to the experience of a person, place or thing even when they're out of sight."
Further down she says "To a large degree the essence of my life would dissolve because my ability to integrate it into my self was so limited. Instead of feeling closer to a person after he or she left, I would feel abandoned, rejected and lonely."
"Much of life skimmed off of me and ricocheted into space, leaving gaps instead of ties."
"I wanted to be able to incorporate life experiences into my self, into my being, so they wouldn't dissolve like soap in dishwater. I wanted to be able to feel a long-lasting connection to things."
Is that a little bit of what you're going through?
Please don't think you're past the age of learning how to internalise significant others. The above author has managed to fix these problems in herself. If she can do it, we can. Right? It's not impossible, it's just hard work.
Finding the right T is hard work. But at least you're doing things to work towards that. Not sure that this T is the right one for you long term, but she could help with your immediate grieving if that feels like what you need to do.
Take care.
poster:littleone
thread:446552
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050122/msgs/446881.html