Posted by fallsfall on January 7, 2005, at 12:20:14
In reply to Re: Wanting to be depressed » fallsfall, posted by mair on January 6, 2005, at 20:03:43
Hi Mair,
Accepting that he might be right, that I might *want* to stay depressed allowed me to look at the reasons why I might want that. As long as I said "Of course I don't want to be depressed" there was no ability to look at what the secondary gains might be - because, of course, there weren't any. How can you discuss something that doesn't exist? But when I finally agreed to "consider the possibility" that I wanted to stay depressed, then I could start to imagine what some of the reasons would be ("lose" therapy, need to compete in the real world, be expected to be competent etc.). Once I could admit to the possible reasons, then we could start to talk about them, and work on them.
So we talked about whether he would kick me out if I was well enough to go back to work (he won't). We talked about whether I could still come often (I go 3X a week now) if I were "better" (I can, and he would recommend that I do). We talked about my need to "prove" that I was depressed by displaying extreme symptoms.
So we were able to talk about some of my fears, and identify which ones were realistic and which ones weren't. This lets me let go of the ones that aren't realistic, which allows me to be more positive about getting better. I will only allow myself to get better if I believe that the advantages of being better outweigh the advantages of being depressed. Talking openly about these things lets me have a clearer idea of what the various advantages are.
*You* will need to come up with your own list of secondary gains. There are some standard ones, but you will have your own unique ones, too. Try asking yourself "What would happen if I got better". You should be able to come up with a list like:
I would have more energy.
I wouldn't be embarrassed that my house is a mess.
I wouldn't be anxious about getting things done.
But your list may also include things like:
I would have to go to parties that I don't think are fun.
I wouldn't have an excuse for screwing up [fill in the blank] anymore.
I would have to take responsibility for my feelings - I couldn't blame them on the depression.
I would have to be good to myself (this is hard if you don't think you are worth being good to...).Does this help? Maybe other people can come up with secondary gain suggestions, too. Just remember that your list will be unique to you.
poster:fallsfall
thread:437567
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050105/msgs/438993.html