Posted by fallsfall on January 6, 2005, at 8:15:49
In reply to Re: Wanting to be depressed » fallsfall, posted by Dinah on January 6, 2005, at 3:48:09
>So I do understand the dialectics here. What he said hurt and made you feel like you were left on your own to deal with something you didn't understand with insufficient data to help you understand it. (Which may be why you want to give your daughter sufficient data.) But it was something that on another level was empowering to you and made you think, and in the end helped you.
Yes, Dinah. This is exactly right. Thank you for explaining it so well!
It is so hard to explain these things because the visceral reaction to his comment is so strong (both for me, and for those who hear my story) that it's like you can't stay around to hear the other side of the dialectic. I was caught up for months feeling blamed and criticized for "wanting to be depressed". And this is the same reaction that I'm feeling here on Babble ("How could he dare be so cruel - he is supposed to help!"). I guess, though, that I think it is important to explain these things on Babble because it is important to understand that just because something feels bad, doesn't mean that it can't be helpful. The Measles shot at the doctor's is such an obvious metaphor for this.
Another metaphor would be the broad jump. The goal is to go forward as much as you can - that's the object of the game. So when your coach tells you to back up 10 feet, you say "but I want to be going forward, not back! Why should I back up if I want to be going forward?" And every step you take back it seems like this is exactly the wrong thing to do - that you are getting farther away from your goal. Sometimes the coach can explain to you why backing up will help you. Sometimes, he will just keep encouraging you to keep walking back, soothing your anxiety over feeling like it is the wrong thing to do. In my case, I think he tried to do both of these things, but I am just a little stubborn and controlling so I stayed put at the edge of the sandpit - arguing with him. Finally, I think he picked me up and deposited me 10 feet back and said "Run. When you get to the sand pit, then jump". I didn't have a lot of choice at that point. And he was right. (Of course, my first reaction to being dumped 10 feet back was to collapse in tears, wailing "Why do you want to make this harder for me? Why can't you deposit me 10 feet *forward* instead of 10 feet *backwards*?")
This whole thing wouldn't work if I didn't trust both his skill and his caring.
And, of course you are right about this not being an effective technique for everyone. But there is probably some truth in the "no pain, no gain" philosophy (as well as the "too much pain, broken leg" one). It is important for the therapist to understand how much the patient can handle and not push them beyond what they can handle. But change is often (usually?) painful - and we shouldn't expect to make these significant changes in our lives with out some pain in the process. My therapist's job is not to make me feel warm and fuzzy everytime I leave his office (though, once in a while that would be really nice...) - his job is to help me change so I can be happier in the long run.
poster:fallsfall
thread:437567
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050105/msgs/438432.html