Posted by antigua on December 30, 2004, at 13:01:56
In reply to Coexisting Ego States, posted by daisym on December 28, 2004, at 0:35:33
I've been fascinated by what has been posted here and I'm so proud of everyone for hanging in there through all this hard stuff.
I don't handle this as well as many of you do (I'm not being hard on myself so don't fuss at me!) My little girls came out through EMDR last year. Actually, I was working on a story of my own with a young, battered girl in it and when the little girls came out, I realized the girl in the story was me. The unconscious is a great thing, isn't it?
All the girls are in a holding pattern right now and I can't seem to get anyone to make a move. I have one very small little girl with huge eyes who watches quietly from the doorway. She's "me" and she's waiting to see how this all plays out. The second is a very angy, 9 or 10 year old girl who wants control (That's the age when my father left). She wants to be bad, she wants to live, she wants the life I was never brave enough to live. But she can't do anything w/o the body, which is represented by the third girl, the badly damaged 5/6 year old who had to deal w/the abuse. The third is just a mess on the floor. She can't move; she's pathetic really, she oozes disgust and shame. She's immovable at this time. Sometimes I think she needs to be killed off, but she controls the body. (Does any of this make sense?)
Girl #2 is the only one who has spoken directly to my T, and that has only been once, after I had a physical reaction (shaking, couldn't catch my breath) to getting close to the underlying terror that seems to encompass my life (I've never been able to get through or understand these feelings). The girl spoke to the T because I was angry that she didn't protect me when I had that accident after a flashback (none of which I remember).
So we are in a stalemate. I do not trust my T. My feelings for her after almost 14 years are that she is simply doing her job. I know this is wrong, she is a wonderful T and I have no logical reason to dislike her (I just don't want anyone to suggest getting another T). I've just found myself being so analytical w/her. We have great insights that are helping tremendously but my feelings rarely come out anymore.
She knows all this, of course. We talk about it. She says I'm moving at the rate I need to, but I'm just so frustrated.
So that's my story. Sometimes I wonder if this is as good as it's going to get, and I know I've said before that if it is, I can handle it. I can live w/this person. It's the frustration that's so hard.
thanks for letting me vent,
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:433059
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041228/msgs/435715.html