Posted by daisym on December 28, 2004, at 0:35:33
In reply to Re: Not exactly a real update.. » daisym, posted by Pfinstegg on December 27, 2004, at 21:01:38
I've had dreams where my therapists asks me to care for my youngerself and I refuse. I guess I'm still mad at her for the upset she brings and how strong she is sometimes. There have been a few occasions where I have felt sorry for her and once or twice I've felt protective. More typically we war in my head over what she wants to say and how much she wants to come to therapy.
I think something has shifted again for me because I'm questioning two things. One is the frequency of contact -- I'm not really concerned with making him sick of me (though that sometimes flares up)like I use to be. Instead I think that I shouldn't want what I know I want -- does that sentence make any sense? My therapist tells me we are doing really deep work so it makes sense to him that I feel the need to see him a lot. After all, who else are you going to talk to about all of this?
The second thing is that we are beginning to change how we relate to each other. I feel myself forcing honesty a bit more instead of retreating into silence. And he doesn't let me brush him off with "nothing or no where." "Where are you going?" "No where." "hmm...seems to me you slipped away...I'd really like to hear where you went." That usually adds the security I need to tell him about something. But I know he is careful. The adult always understands what he is doing but sometimes little daisy gets upset and feels pushed.
I think I'm worried about where we go next. Everytime I think we've explored all the dark corners, something else creeps out. And I don't know about your six-year-old, but for me, talking about the beatings is so much harder than the csa. I feel like it shouldn't be...but somehow it feels like a huge betrayal and paints such an ugly picture. And the fear...I can actually feel it run up my neck and into my hair. I labeled it "live fear" because it is an old fear that lives on very strongly.
The worst thing for me is that I feel so much tension and anxiety in my "real" life -- and I'm aware that it is old. But it is my filter right now and I find myself more depressed than usual. Perhaps this is the sadness I was trying to tell him about today. It is about more than a separation but it is as simple as that too. I think the younger parts of me are so sad that they didn't know him "then" and that we missed so much. Before I started all this, I didn't know I could even have the depth of feelings I have now. I'm still not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
poster:daisym
thread:433059
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041218/msgs/434886.html