Posted by Smeegle on December 9, 2004, at 12:59:21
In reply to payoff? » Smeegle, posted by Shortelise on December 9, 2004, at 12:03:23
You are all soooo right! I try not to let myself "go there" or dwell on it too much, but sometimes the black cloud persists and the sun just won't come out.
I do most of the things mentioned. Outwardly, I am a loving and giving person. The first one to help a person in need, lend a hand or ear, or perk up someone else's day. I go out of my way to make eye contact, smile and acknowledge people who otherwise in the course of their day would not have anyone say/do anything nice. I do it because I know what it is like to feel invisible. To feel lonely in a crowd. My cat is one of the few things I still find joy in. No matter how unloved and lonely I feel, he is always up for a little lap action (and a good brushing).
I was in a really, really dark place last night. Scary things seemed like a viable option. I read some good advice on a website that advised to give it 24 hours (a week, whatever...just don't act right now). More than likely the feelings will let up and be more bearable. They are...somewhat. Tonight I have my last final for the semester. I plan to get my Christmas shopping all done tonight as well (family all lives in other states so I shop online and just have it shipped). I numb my mind on TV. I know I watch too much, but it distracts me when I am thinking too much. Distraction can be a very good thing and tv is a vast wasteland of distraction.
No one in my life understands true depression. Sure they have been sad at one point or another in their lives, but none of them have ever experienced ongoing, unrelenting depression and how it wears down your resolve. I tried to explain to my husband that emotions are like a bank. You make withdrawals (give emotionally, physically, offer friendship and support to others) and you make deposits (receive emotions, feel loved, afection etc). I am sooo emotionally overdrawn I may need to file emotional bankruptcy. He loves me. I don't doubt that. I just don't feel it (from him or anyone else). I shut myself away. He doesn't know what to do, just then he doesn't try anymore. He just leaves me alone (probably assuming it's what I need). I don't think he will ever understand, though we are in counseling and working on it. He just has no frame of reference or the capacity to understand the depths of my sadness.
Smeegs
poster:Smeegle
thread:425938
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041203/msgs/426755.html