Posted by antigua on October 5, 2004, at 9:23:14
In reply to My Therapy Dilemma/Racer too (very long), posted by antigua on October 4, 2004, at 13:59:32
O.k., I wrote out a long reply to everyone last night but didn’t send it off because I wasn’t finished (oh, my agony over “word perfection” gets in the way whenever I have to write about this!). This morning, things are different. I don’t believe a word of what I wrote. I was rationalizing my decision to run away from my therapist. I don’t want to need her because I’m afraid she will totally fail me. Somehow or other I’ve twisted my accident to being her fault for encouraging me to open up about the csa. Silly, right? But honest.
I want to tell you what happened w/the EMDR T. (fallsfall, I’ve never experienced this type of transference before; it’s usually w/older male authority figures but guess now it’s time to move on to Mother). This T usually takes me to the brink of my terror and panic and then has me pull back to a safe place. Then I move a little further to the edge and back to a safe part of my body. Well, on this day I didn’t have a place on my body that felt neutral, so the T said let’s try something different. She asked me to push against her hands as strongly as I could. I was fine for about 5 seconds and then I immediately became very uncomfortable w/her being so close and touching me. I asked her to stop and to back away, which she did, but something had been triggered and it changed our relationship. It felt more intimate and that made me uncomfortable. I perceived her as weak because she didn’t push my hands very hard. (BTW, I perceive my abusers as weak despite their overpowering strength over a young girl). I realized she was only pushing as hard as I was, keeping the equilibrium between us, so in fact I was perceiving myself as weak. She was no longer “in charge” and I felt vulnerable.
I told my regular T about this the next day and after discussing it I felt really dependent on her. I didn’t want to leave her office. I’ve never felt this way before.
Over the weekend, I slipped and cracked my head open and was alone in a pool of blood for hours in a stairwell, until my husband found me and called 911. He was not with me at the time; I was with a very old friend who had come to town. I decided to spend the night w/her (pajama party) so we could have some extra time together. What happened is that I was triggered by some great fear/panic and immediately felt like I had to escape that hotel. My friend was in the bathroom when I left the room; nobody knew where I went.
I experienced flashbacks during the time I was being care for. They tied me down and knocked me out because I was so uncooperative (who, me? I’m so nice IRL). In essence, I guess I did everything I wanted to do to my abusers (hope I didn’t bite anyone!). So, the rage came out. And the consequences were bad. I woke up the next day in the hospital remembering nothing, except for the fact that I knew I had a flashback, but I didn’t remember it. Still don’t. The doctors told me I was really lucky to be alive.
Basically, I’m afraid that the risk of continuing with my T just may be too high. It’s not just “trust her,” it’s “this is too dangerous, IRL; it’s o.k. for therapy, but not for real life.” See, I can’t say that with careful planning, etc. a situation like this will never happen again.
My transference issues w/my T over the years have waxed and waned. She has generally played the good, strong mother that I never had, and she has taught me to be that way in my own life. Now I want to cut her off entirely, which is telling me that this is very significant.
I know this all has to do w/my mother, who didn’t protect me. And, although my T is great, she can’t protect me either. It’s just the plain truth. She can help, and she has helped me tremendously, but when it comes down to it, it’s just me, my body and the world.
She has spent years convincing me that I wouldn't open up until I was ready, we were going at a safe pace, and that just didn't turn out to be true. I feel like I was blindsided, by myself. I guess I should figure out why this is so devastating to me. I believe that we have core beliefs about ourselves and then there are the truths, the reality of the world we live in. Am I mixing them up too much?
So I will call my T and schedule to see her tomorrow (she would never abandon me willingly, lookdownfish, I believe that w/my heart and soul). I am putting EMDR and that T on hold for now, maybe forever. I don’t want to work through that issue w/her now because it’s too confusing. My regular T can help, and if we get into it I’m sure we’ll discover that I have similar feelings for her, especially now.
Daisy, you mentioned the ages of my children. They are all past the age I was—actually I was triggered by many things as my daughter has grown—but I will keep in mind the potential triggers, especially as my daughter grows into a young woman.
Aphrodite, yes I’ve followed your story and know what a heartbreak it has been at times for you. I was really proud of you when you decided to go back. I must say I understand your feelings much better now. I’ve never decided to quit therapy before.
And partlycloudy, I feel the same way about my EMDR T. I do feel at times that she is judging me, that she gets frustrated with why I don’t “get it.” She’s very kind, but I don’t want to develop a whole other relationship. My regular T knows me much better. EMDR has been very helpful, but until (or if) I have more concrete (ha! That hard head of mine) experiences to resolve, I won't go.
So thanks everyone. You’ve been more help than you can imagine. Racer, I’m going to steal your line about supporting me 100% but not my decision. That’s good….
best to all,
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:398836
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041002/msgs/399106.html