Posted by antigua on October 4, 2004, at 13:59:32
Racer, I’m hijacking something you said above because it fits my current situation perfectly. I hope you don’t mind.
I’m looking for babbler’s opinions here because I respect you all very much.
Racer wrote:
“On the one hand, answering even though you don't feel ready can force you to open up about something you might not be ready for months or even years early, and that allows you to get through it that much sooner. In a perfect world, that would be great, but in the real world, that means that you may be laid out by something much too overwhelming at a time when you're much too vulnerable to handle it. In a perfect world, you'd have adequate support around you to keep you safe and secure while your innermost being is flayed and trying to grow back new skin. In the real world, though, that's rarely the case.”
This is where I am right now. I got in too deep w/my therapy, I think, and I’m trying to decide what to do. Please don’t advise me to discuss this w/my T as I already have to a great extent and the decision is now up to me. She is willing to help me do whatever I decide.
I recently had an accident that knocked me out of action for a week (miss me?). This accident was a direct result of my carelessness in taking care of myself and being so overwhelmed by what is going on in therapy. (Daisy, you warned me about the physical nature of this and I should have listened more carefully!) No argument here, please, even my T agrees. I could have died; thank goodness I didn’t, but I could have left my children w/o a mother, which is something I would never do willingly.
So much is coming to the surface (csa) in therapy. Then again, it has been coming for years and while I may feel that I’m closer than ever, I can’t say that’s honestly true. We all know that there are no guarantees in therapy.
Some of you know that I have two therapists: EMDR and my regular one. It has gotten a bit confusing (someone warned me, I remember!) and I’ve found myself more involved w/the EMDR T than I ever wanted to. Transference is popping up. I don’t particularly like her, but I recognize the feelings and I don’t want to go down that road w/her.
The EMDR T has also caused problems for me w/my regular T: everything is very segmented. I do the EMDR, process the feelings and then go in to see my regular T the next day and we “analyze” what happened. The insights are great, but the feelings don’t really come up w/my regular T anymore. We’ve discussed this. This week (today) I decided to stop the EMDR, maybe forever.
After the accident, I found myself mad at my regular T, as if she couldn’t be trusted anymore (is my mother here somewhere?). Here I had opened myself up like the good patient and things had gotten out of control. There is no protection, there is no safe place anymore. She can’t stop anything bad from happening to me and when it comes right down to it, I’m all alone to take care of myself. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, I swear, these are just the facts of the situation. I’m angry at myself for giving in to the belief that I could be fine one day when the facts speak otherwise. I almost died. My children would be alone. I have to count on myself, which is one of the goals of good therapy.
So, while I want to be better, I think I’m good enough now. I’ve internalized my T.
I think I’m not going to do therapy anymore. I have to focus on my own survival and protection of my children. Now please don’t say that the therapy is essential because I don’t feel that way anymore. Basically, my life is really, really good now; I’ve learned to function well. I can be satisfied w/this if opening and bleeding the wounds is going to totally unbalance me and put my life at risk. (This is the second time something like this has happened, and I stayed in therapy last time.)
Do I make any sense? Am I just trying to rationalize my actions? I’m not overly afraid of what is coming up (I’m more curious than anything) so I’m not hiding from that. I really believe that I need to stop dredging up the past so I can live for the here and now, with my children. While many of the “facts” of my csa are still unknown, I now know a lot of what happened to me. More importantly, I understand how the little girl felt and what it did to her (me) in the long run.
My T has agreed to help my “seal” my therapy, continue it or stop it w/a termination plan so it’s not too abrupt (after 14 years).
So what do you guys think? The only part I’m not willing to concede is that the accident is a cause/effect thing: it is. I know it, my T knows it.
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:398836
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041002/msgs/398836.html