Posted by Larry Hoover on September 2, 2004, at 7:14:22
In reply to Re: A question please? For any/every one » Larry Hoover, posted by Dinah on August 31, 2004, at 10:16:38
> Lar, I want to thank you for your thoughtful posts. And they did make me think. :)
Excellent! You're welcome.
> I really still can't see the energy involved in being the super-rational surface me.It was a generalized statement, a projection, if you will. You are free to determine that a particular implication of such a statement does not apply to you.
> It seems like I'm always fighting and struggling to maintain access to my emotions, not trying to box them away.
That's certainly one energy cost. You may be so good at compartmentalizing the emotion that you are unaware of even doing it in real time situations. I well remember the first time I caught myself becoming angry, in real time. It used to so automagically get sucked into my anger pit (my storage area, where I once thought my anger went away....no, it was stored) that I thought I never even got angry. No, I didn't even recognize anger as an emotional state.
> And sometimes it just doesn't seem worth the fight.
That's a reasonable reaction, based on the effort required.
> You're right about the environment. But I had a big part in some of that. I was born into a family with too many emotional issues to want me to be real, to want me to present any additional trouble to the already precariously balanced family structure. It was my job to reduce stress, not increase it.
By that, you mean you were the fixer? Or the emotional punching-bag? I like family dynamic theory, and your own assessment of your role is the key to unlocking your emotions, if you wish to proceed. When I read "Bradshaw on: The Family", it totally unlocked my mind to the role I played in my family dysfunction. As second-born, I was the emotional scapegoat. All the negativity, all the blame, was mine. That's what makes me so conscious of rules. I so desparately needed to figure out the rules, as a child, but there were none.
Aside: One of the things that makes me a really good scientist is this ability. "What's wrong with this picture?" I recognize patterns, and things that don't fit the pattern, like they were fluorescent. A sucky childhood isn't all bad.
> But I'm the one who chose my husband and the rest of the environmental factors that push against authenticity.
It's easy to choose the familiar.
> I chose my husband while at my most rational, and it was a great choice for the most rational side of me. He's a lot like the most rational side of me, and we have a great time together. But he has enough trouble accepting my son as a little boy rather than a miniature man. He has less than no desire to accept the real me. He's a great guy in so very many ways. But striving to be authentic for him is a bad idea.
I gathered that, from your earlier posts. There are always costs when you change your own authenticity. I think he has made very clear how he likes you to be.
> So I'm left wondering why on earth I bother. The people in my real life have no desire that I be other than smart and productive and maybe funny and enjoyable to be around. It feels like I'm expending all this effort in therapy so that I can be myself - but only in therapy.
You have to start somewhere. And I honestly don't think the authentic you must necessarily threaten the ability to be smart, productive, funny, and enjoyable to be around. The dissatisfaction you've felt, all your life, but stored away to be found in these latter years, must be given voice somehow. It does make sense to do that in therapy. You'd quickly destroy any friendship if you burdened a friend with this outpouring. Think of your counsellor as a professional friend. You hire them to get mired in your muck with you, so that you can leave it there with them.
> Maybe that's the main reason behind the push/pull at reducing therapy right now. If I don't have therapy to be real in, there's no point in being real. If I go from twice to once a week, my ability to access my emotions will be less and less, but I'll also have less and less reason to access my emotions.
That begs the question: Why did you start therapy in the first place? Remember what that was about, and I'll bet you can answer your own question.
> I know that at some level I'm supposed to want to have access to my emotions for *myself*, but I just can't seem to summon up the enthusiasm if there's no real place to enjoy it and no others to enjoy it with me.
That can seem like it's an oxymoron, but it isn't really. Here's a simile to consider.
What if locking away your adverse emotions is like sweeping dirt under the rug? The first time you do it, you realize that you found a coping strategy with greater benefits than costs, so you repeat it later. Pretty soon, though, there's enough stuff swept under the rug that it starts to form a bulge. It's unsightly, so you try to put it out of your mind, and maybe you succeed. But then you find youself stumbling over the bulge, and maybe other people do as well. The coping strategy is starting to show its real costs, but you continue on as before. Cleaning up the bulge would require that you face the real mess under the rug, and that seems like a huge job. But the bulge grows more and more, and you find you can't ignore it, no matter how much you try to. You can't even walk near the bulge, as it is ugly and produces guilty thoughts. You can't even enjoy the beauty of the rug, or the room it once set off so nicely....
To me, therapy is like cleaning that pile out from under the rug. All that mess and dirt....Yucko!!! But you can't enjoy the beauty of the rug until after the yuck is taken care of. You face the yuck so you can get back to the carefree beauty of life.
> Plus, I'm a huge chicken. :) That's been the defining quality of my life. I run and hide. And I'm facing some big losses in the coming years.You used to run and hide. That is immutable history. Today, you have the opportunity to choose anew, to show yourself that you are not presently bound by past decisions. Losses come to everyone. Might as well pick some of them, from amongst the lot. Proactive living, rather than reactive "victim".
> And some difficult situations and choices with my parents. I want to just burrow deep inside myself and hide till it's all over and it's relatively safe to come out.
You will be hiding under that messy rug, I bet. ;-)
> Yet I suppose to some extent, I do want to keep the emotional integrity that I've fought so hard to achieve. So I waffle back and forth and am more conflicted than I'd like to be.You haven't met your unburdened self before. She's strange and scared and emotive. Ask her in for a cup of tea, and get to know her a bit. You'll find yourself becoming friends, and suprise of all surprises, her clothes fit you like a glove! Yay! A new emotional wardrobe!
> If I weren't conflicted, I'd just go ahead and do it, wouldn't I?
I think the real decision is to just go ahead, despite the conflict. FEAR is False Expectations Appearing Real. You only have one way to prove they're false. You act your way through fear. Fear is a thinking disease.
> I wish I weren't such a chicken. :(
You aren't. You just need a little coaching. Every Olympian has a coach. Every single one.
> And I did become much better with emotion names as I gained more and more access to my emotions.Of course you did. You really want to figure this all out. You're quite bright. What you had was a childhood that lacked suitable education.
> Although I frequently get preoccupied with getting *just* the right name, and get really frustrated when I can't access it, refusing to accept a good enough substitute.
That's a decision you can change. I grew up with "The Myth of the Perfect Person". It didn't matter how well I did something, there was always a flaw. Well, I *am so* good enough!
> But I find I'm like that with words in general, not just emotion words.
Habit, honey. Habits are broken by doing differently, not by thinking differently. "You act your way into a new way of thinking. You cannot think your way into a new way of acting."
Best,
Lar
poster:Larry Hoover
thread:380351
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040828/msgs/385590.html