Posted by lonelygirl on March 28, 2004, at 14:43:02
In reply to Re: looks » lonelygirl, posted by Dinah on March 27, 2004, at 20:23:23
I hate being so fat! I think that most of my problems stem from the fact that I am fat. I think that if I were thin and good-looking, I wouldn't be so shy, I would be able to make friends, I could get a boyfriend, I could do a lot of things. I swear, everybody hates fat people. And thin people think it is SOOO simple -- "Just eat less and exercise more!" The instant people look at me, they see that I am fat and form so many judgments. They immediately assume that I am a stupid, lazy loser (and I suppose they are right, but they don't even give me a chance to make them think otherwise). I think it is telling that any time anyone insults me, they invariably include a crack at my weight. I'm never just a bitch -- I'm a "Fat, ugly bitch." I'm not just lazy -- I'm a "Fat, lazy slob."
It is bad enough when people say it to my face, but it is almost worse when they don't say it, because I know they are thinking it. My brothers are always rating the looks of every female they see, from classmates to waitresses to random people they see anywhere, and they always make fun of fat girls. I read a message board at another site where people post their "rants," about anything that bugs them, and nearly half of them are about how much they hate fat people, especially fat people who dare to wear clothes that show their bodies at all, who dare to go swimming, who dare to go to a fast food restaurant, etc. They literally say that just the sight of fat people makes them SICK. One of them said something like, "If you're fat, don't go out in clothes that only thin people should wear. As a matter of fact, if you're fat, just don't go out at all. Please, think of the children." I am not mad at them for saying it, because they are just being honest, and even if they didn't say that, they would still think it.
People also write in their LiveJournals and stuff all the time stuff like, "Ew, this nasty fat person sat next to me today," etc. I am in a Yahoo groups list for avoidant personality disorder, and someone wrote a post recently about how she went to a conference and a disgusting fat woman sat next to her, and she was so disgusted by this woman, her clothes, how her stomach moved when she laughed, etc., and how she hoped nobody would think she was associated with the fat woman. She later found out that this fat woman was a writer she admired. Her point was that she was ashamed of judging a book by its cover, but do you know how hard it is to go through life knowing that everywhere you go, that is how people think of you, even before they know who you are? Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed just at the thought of leaving my room because I know that everyone who sees me is totally repulsed by me.
Anyway, I am very sensitive about this and I don't like talking about it. I don't think I could talk about it with my psychologist, but that's ok, because I don't think even HE wants to talk about it. He says stuff sometimes like, "I think you see yourself as not being very smart or likeable..." and he doesn't say the obvious, which is that I see myself as ugly and disgusting, because that is the one thing that he can't even bring himself to PRETEND to disagree with. He can find reasons tell me that he thinks I am not stupid, but I don't think he could even say with a straight face that I am not absolutely, appalingly, disgustingly ugly. I bet he has a hard time just sitting there looking at me for a whole hour. I get the feeling that he doesn't even want to get into talking about how my being ugly is a problem because there is just nothing he can say but, "You're right, you're revolting, and I don't see how you can expect anyone to like you if you look like that."
I decided that I want to get gastric bypass surgery, which is very expensive but can be covered by insurance. I am on my parents' insurence, since I am a full-time student. Initially, they said NO WAY, but I convinced them to go to an information session about it and they said they would let me get the surgery. But our insurance has very strict policies about it, especially on trying other ways of losing weight. Although I have been on at least a dozen diets, and gone to two dietitians, I have gotten fatter and fatter over the last 10 years. I actually sort of blame the first time my mom made me go on a diet, even though I was only about 10 pounds overweight (I would die of happiness if I woke up tomorrow only 10 pounds, or even 20 pounds, overweight), for starting the cycle of yo-yo dieting that has led to my being so hugely fat today, but I think I am being dishonest with myself in blaming that, and I know that it is just my fault and nobody else's. Anyway, nothing that I have done counts for the insurance requirements, which are to be under a physician-supervised diet for a 6-month period within the past 2 years. When I found out about this, some time in June of last year, I decided to go to a doctor and go on a diet for 6 months and then I could either get the surgery or continue with the diet if it was working. My last doctor had moved away so I didn't really have a doctor, so I asked my mom if she could find a doctor who is covered by our insurance. She said she would, but she took so long that I didn't get an appointment until 2 days before I had to go back to school (in another state). That doctor wasn't even any help -- she just referred me to another doctor, but I couldn't get an appointment with him before I left to go back to school. Then my mom said she would look into finding a doctor who is covered on our insurance in the area where I go to school. Well, she never did, so the time has passed and I haven't done my 6 months of dieting, so I can't get the surgery any time soon. I am kind of pissed because I have this feeling that my mom is doing it on purpose so I can't get the surgery. I guess it's my fault because I should just find a doctor myself, but I don't really understand how it works with our insurance so I have to get her to find a doctor for me.
Hmm, this is so long and rambling that I sort of forgot my point... It is just this enormous burden to walk around knowing that everyone who sees me instantly hates me. I even hate having my psychologist see me because I know how disgusting I look to him while I am sitting there so attracted to him. Even when people are nice to me, I can't stand it because I know that they are just thinking about how disgusting and fat I am.
poster:lonelygirl
thread:324037
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040327/msgs/329497.html