Posted by Racer on February 4, 2004, at 20:00:09
In reply to But but but.. » Racer, posted by Karen_kay on February 3, 2004, at 16:06:28
Coincidences never cease. The book I'm reading right now touches on the very subject we're discussing here: commitment.
It's fiction, so it must be True in a deeper sense, right?
Anyway, a character who's having relationship problems flashes back on her father talking to her about yellow jackets. She's afraid of being bitten, so she stays in the enclosed porch rather than going out to the pool area for munchies with her parents. He tells her that the yellow jackets are a maybe, but staying inside is a definite. Outside is more pleasant, and carries a small risk of having yellow jackets come by to visit, and an even smaller risk of being bitten. Now, as an adult, she realizes that 'she's still afraid of yellow jackets' -- she's settling for men who don't satisfy her needs, because she's afraid if she does allow herself to get emotionally committed, she'll get bitten.
I know that's been my pattern for the past [never mind how many] years: settling for someone I don't have to commit myself to absolutely. (Don't even ask about my marriage: not a good day today, and we're in the midst of some pretty fundamental struggles. The good news is, I'm still not leaving him. Either we'll work through this together or die trying.)
How to do it? This probably isn't going to help everybody, or even somebody, but it did help me. I made a mental construct for myself, and use it as an illustration of my conflict about commitment. Mine is a literal leap of faith. Sometimes it's jumping into a body of water: jumping in, rather than easing in an inch at a time, hating every second of getting wet before I finally get moving and reach the fun part. Another is jumping over a small rift in the earth. If I try to hedge my bets and step over it, without committing myself, I'm much more likely to fall into the bottomless pit. If I commit myself to jumping over the opening, I'm pretty sure to make it -- but only if I commit myself to jumping over it. Both of those images remind me that sometimes hedging my bets leaves me much more vulnerable than just taking a deep breath, letting it out, and jumping with both feet.
So, that's not a step by step instructional manual for reaching you destination, but it's the best I've got to give today. (Lousy day.) Besides, there are usually a fair number of alternatives to reaching a destination, in life as in traffic. (I live near one of the worst traffic problem areas in Silicon Valley, four or more hours of stop and slow traffic each weekday. I usually know an alternate route to get where I'm going. Capisce?)
Hope that helps, kiddo, and hope you give yourself enough faith to get you where you want to be.
poster:Racer
thread:308879
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040131/msgs/309499.html