Posted by fallsfall on January 23, 2004, at 20:43:52
2 sessions ago, my therapist was talking about how I was "stubborn" (I call it "controlling"). And how when I'm stubborn or falling apart that he can't make any progress with me. He wanted me to learn to tolerate not being in control. This really isn't news. I worked on control with my old therapist, but I think all we succeeded in doing was to make me control people in a more publically-acceptable manner. Sigh. So I left that session (scared, but) determined that I would work on tolerating being out of control.
I woke up on Thursday (my latest session) feeling incredibly scared - I knew I was scared about going to therapy - about all this "control" stuff. By the time it was 3PM I was an absolute wreck. I walked in, sat down, told him I was scared and couldn't tell him why. I couldn't say anything. He did figure out quickly what he needed to say "I'm not expecting you to be able to do this right away. We'll just keep our eyes open for when control surfaces here and outside in your life and we'll look at it. This is going to take a Long time." I didn't ask him what a "Long time" was, but I think it is measured in years.
I wish I could say that after he said this I felt immense relief and was able to talk in complete sentances. However, the whole session was a disaster and I was crying more at the end than at the beginning. He even checked his answering machine to see if the next person was going to be late - he would have let me stay a little. I didn't talk to anyone all night. I wouldn't answer my phone. Fortunately, I felt quite a bit better this morning when I woke up.
So. A long time? Yeah. I told him he was more patient than I am. I don't know how I am going to learn to tolerate "a long time".
poster:fallsfall
thread:304828
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040123/msgs/304828.html