Posted by DaisyM on January 22, 2004, at 11:12:07
In reply to Re: Daisy, sweet, when is your next appointment? » DaisyM, posted by fallsfall on January 22, 2004, at 9:50:55
It is hard for me to reach out, I'm always sure that I'm imposing. It is easier here because we rotate the support. I'm struggling with letting my Therapist "take care of me" because I know in the end it is up to me. But right now I have to let him lead. He told me that sometimes when we begin to recognize truths about ourselves it is incredibly painful. Not that he is confirming that I've hit upon a truth. So I should look at this as "normal" (Ha!)...I told him that for him to have to hold all the hope feels like a huge thing to ask of someone, paid or not. He countered with it is alot to ask of someone to accept that you can hold their hope. So I have to just trust him. I'm really trying. But I don't think he has the cure for all this pain. And I wanted so badly for him to have it.
You said in a previous post: Because I want to learn to be human. I believe that it is possible for me to learn to be human - that belief is my HOPE.
You are so much more than "Human". Being Human just the basic hunter/gatherer groupings. You are HUMANE...you reach out with your spirit to touch mine and the others here. I think you are looking to go beyond here with that ability...connecting to people in a way that helps you and them. You certainly do it for me here.
And as far as control goes...right now I'm glad I've had so much practice at control. My therapist commented yesterday on how split my life is: dual characters playing completely different parts. One is keeping it together: mother, boss, etc. The other is suffering quietly: the lost little girl and the woman looking for...I don't really know what...happiness? It takes so much energy to keep up the one role yet without it I know I'd be even more a mess. My Therapist agreed, and at least didn't tell me to "reduce my stress" (I hate that!)But, he wants me to see him more. And that feels really dangerous. I don't need a transference mess right now, especially after reading so much here about them. Though he would probably turn cartwheels if I developed that kind of attachment/trust. :)
I said it before, I really, really appreciate the support. I can feel myself beginning to pull back up from the black places. Thanks for the rope.
-D
poster:DaisyM
thread:302935
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040116/msgs/304172.html