Posted by DaisyM on January 21, 2004, at 18:59:52
In reply to Re: Daisy? How is it going?, posted by Karen_kay on January 21, 2004, at 13:11:46
I wrote a post this afternoon but it seems to have disappeared into cyber space so I am going to try again. Please accept my apology if that one suddenly pops up with duplicate thoughts. (Though I'm sure that one was better...)
I understand what you are all trying to say but...BUT.
All this pain is about figuring out that I'm not strong -- in fact, I'm a coward at my core. On the outside I'm organized, smart, capable of multi-tasking and decision making. On the inside, I hate confrontations and go to great lengths to avoid them with the people that matter to me. I let people treat me badly, for years and years, to avoid doing anything about it. I've believed for a long time that I was great for "putting up with them." The truth is they have been putting up with me.
I hold everyone at arm's length, keeping that emotional distance. How frustrating this must be - to never really feel like you can reach the other person. I talk about being lonely yet being vulnerable to someone, including my husband, is too hard, too scary. I'm so much better at solving other people's problems, at fighting their battles.
I've decided what I need to work on is acceptance
of these flaws...and of the loneliness. Don't tell me I'm being too hard on myself. The evidence of this pattern is pretty overwhelming. I don't see hope of suddenly finding courage.It is painful to acknowledge that the strength that so many people admire is just a sham. I'm not who I thought I was, who I want to be. Yes, I could feel this way because I live day-to-day with so much sickness and anger (his, not mine), or because I had a traumatic childhood or even that genetically it is my real character. It doesn't change what "is". So I long for intimacy but I won't risk emotionally to get it.
It was easier not realizing all this. Not knowing what I wanted/needed. I'm trying to accept the loneliness and stuff the rest back in the box.
I'll get my self together soon and be OK. Really. Thank you all for your support. I appreciate it more than you know.
-D
poster:DaisyM
thread:302935
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040116/msgs/303897.html