Posted by Karen_kay on December 11, 2003, at 15:05:33
In reply to Had Any more?? » Karen_kay, posted by DaisyM on December 11, 2003, at 11:59:35
I spoke with him this morning. And I was late for the appointment. First time ever! Five minutes late and as I walked in, he was already speaking with the receptionist to see if I had called. When I got home, he had alredy called. He he :0 I feel bad though, because I stopped off for coffee on my way in. And he kinda made a comment about it (All he said was "I see you're prepared"). Well, I'm sick and the appoinment was at 8 am. We all have off days and today was mine.
He was sick today too. And he drank hot chocolate again. And I told him how cute he looked, like a little boy. Funny, I don't feel the crush as much any more. But, I still think he's yummy. And I still want him to be my new daddy. And, I'm not giving that up either!
I talked aobut the dreams. Just got through the first 2 though, he talks too much I think. He kept pushing me to try to remember (or visualize) my father in my head and I refused. This week my excuse is that next week is finals week. And I have to get through them without a hitch. And that will be my excuse next week. I'm full of a lot of things, mostly excuses. I haven't thought up what the next excuse will be but when it comes to me I'll let you know :)
I think though that I'm uncomfortable actually remembering something in his presence. Lord knows I don't like telling him about things I remember. I still want to hold on to the illusion that "nothing bad ever happened to me." I guess if I can try to make others believe it, maybe I'll believe it too. And at this point my memory is so bad I still kinda think it. I guess I've reverted back to the whole denial stage once again. "Maybe I'm making everything up", "Maybe nothing happened", "Your memory has always been inaccurate, why start believing it now?", ect, ect... God, I just don't know anymore...Maybe it is the stress from finals and being sick and not knowing why I'm sick. I just don't know anymore.
I'm afraid to cry in front of him. I'm afraid to cry period. I'm afraid I won't cry. I'm afraid I'll remember something horrible and I won't have any feelings about it at all. Or maybe I liked it. Or maybe I won't remember anything at all. Or maybe I remember something and I fall apart completely. And he puts me in the hospital again. Or I have no emotions at all and everyone realizes it. Or I realize that nothing happened at all. That I've just been confused (that would be a blessing!).
I know, no matter what happens it HAS to be better than this... or does it???? Really?He did say something interesting today though. He said that if I started to cry it was ok. And I started in about how it is NOT ok to cry...blah blah, ect.. And he said, "I might start crying too." Is that weird? Is it common for a therapist to cry with their client? I told him it would be really odd and strange for me if he started crying too. He said that it is ok for a person to be overcome with emotion and cry. I think if he cried I would freak out. It would be sweet, but I might start laughing hysterically because I would feel very strange. What do you think?
I'm sorry. I just started taking "the pill" and I'm sure it adds to my emotions a lot. Yahoo! I guess I do have emotions!! Thanks for listening to my rant. Just feeling a little lost and fed up at this point. It helps to get things out. Just wish I didn't have so much to get out, you know?? :) I know, it'll get better. But when, for crying out loud?? :)
poster:Karen_kay
thread:288100
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031202/msgs/288819.html