Posted by Tabitha on October 4, 2003, at 23:55:53
Well I thought discussing the change in our sessions would mean a change, but the last session she was once again much more confrontational with me than usual. She's confronting me with things that I don't think are true. So I'm spending energy fighting those ideas, and losing faith in therapy, and in her. It seems like she's seeing me in an unfair negative way. She also said I'm doing self-destructive things as a way of acting out anger at her. All that does is make me want to stop being honest about the things she labels self-destructive. This is the first time I've seriously considered hiding things from her. I actually did tell a little lie, to hide some of that stuff, after she told me this theory.
It's very confusing. If I accept what she says, I feel smaller and sicker. And guilty. That can't be a good outcome, can it? I'm so suspicious of any belief system or organization that wants you to think you have problems you aren't even aware of having, so you'll need them to cure you.
I've always thought the answer to conflict with the therapist is always talking it out in session. But after I did, she said that being in the group was hurting our relationship, so maybe group wasn't good for me. Right now I feel like the group is helping me more than her, so I don't want to say anything to make her throw me out. It felt like talking it out made it worse-- and she didn't let up. She also just didn't seem to know what to do about the conflict. She asked me to talk about what it felt like to be mad at her. She asked me what I needed from her. Isn't that what therapists ask when they don't know what to do with you?
This sounds really awful-- if this were someone else's story I'd think their therapist sounded pretty messed up and maybe unethical. I've been seeing this therapist ten years and had complete trust in her. Nothing this bad has ever come up before, so it's hard for me to accept that it's happening.
I've trusted her to the point of accepting her view of me and other people over my own-- I assume her judgement is better where emotional issues are concerned. I realize that's a big trust to give someone, but it seemed safe til now. Now she's telling me things I don't think are in my best interest to accept-- and that just make me think-- how can she think that of me? Doesn't she know me any better? And why is she being so hard on me? Especially when the confrontational approach clearly isn't helping.
It really seems like she has some personal issue with me. But how can I ever know?
The other odd thing. At the end of my last session, we forgot to set up my next one. I don't have a regular time slot at this point-- I've been hopping around to fit her schedule. We've been setting it up at the end of every session. So as of now I don't have a next appointment. I don't even want to call to set one up.
I wonder if it's just time to leave. Of course I always thought I'd terminate once I'm all fixed and happy and healthy and don't need any more therapy. That's definitely not where we're at.
Is it possible I could have 10 years of therapy and then the relationship could just quit working?
poster:Tabitha
thread:265641
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030925/msgs/265641.html