Posted by Enigma on August 9, 2010, at 18:50:14
In reply to Re: Nardil is killing me - must find alternative! Help, posted by Leo33 on August 8, 2010, at 17:30:18
> Enigma, your life isn't as bad as you think! Seems like you have your own house, got married and had 3 kids, and have tons of energy to write on this site. Motivation to write a book.
>Well, I wrote the book now, 1-2 years ago. I couldn't do it now. The kids were easy on my part :). First try, all 3. Must have some serious swimmers.
Energy? No. Anger, hatred, maybe. Depression sucked out all the energy I used to have. I did get a hypo-manic day on Saturday so I went out for the first time in 6 months, all alone. I told myself not to do it, but I did anyway. Had a horrible, depressing time. No one would even come near me. After the first club's bad sucked, I went to another place, that I had, since their all "kiddies" there. I intentionally separated myself from the crowd and went to the balcony so I didn't have to face anyone, or hurt anyone. I carry a knife nowadays, *everywhere* I go. My psychotic side/which is really my defense mechanism to pain and suffering, took on a life of it's own now, even though I still try and suppress it. I got up to leave 15 mins early when some f-ing idiots, thank god I didn't see them, decided to throw lemon wedges at me from below. I thought something was falling out of my pocket and looked down at the ground and saw what they were, normally I'd yell down to *everyone* below me and demand whomever was doing this to make their cowardly face known, but there were cops there, bouncers everywhere, and I would look like the crazy one. I was so depressed, I didn't care, and I just shook my head and left, saying, again, it happened again. Someone had to be mean to me, just cause I was alone (and listening to my headphones at a live band, lol, they sucked).
So that marks every time I've gone out alone, I was either insulted in some way, mistreated, and so on. Sad, cause I'm 190 pounds, and it's mostly muscle except for the gut from f-ing Nardil, and I have a very mean looking face. You would have to be pretty stupid to mess with me, but just add alcohol, and there were probably a few of them doing it, so, there ya go. I fear nothing. Even multiple attackers, as long my trusty blade is with me. Assholes. Immature assholes.Going out at night was one of the few activities I still enjoyed, even with the depression, but I always needed one friend to go with me. They're all gone now. Abandoned me for a million different reasons. Sad thing is, I'm STILL the life of the party when I'm out and don't act depressed (unless alone), but just about everyone I know thinks that part of their life is over, so guess who suffers. Me. Never got lucky and found any younger people to hang with.
> Not to try and out do ya here, In my forties, never been married, no kids, on welfare which I have now hit my lifetime limit and 4 applications and denials from SSDI, live at home with my elderly and ailing parents, not kissed a woman in 11 years or anything else, have to go to clinic for psych nurse to prescribe meds, had to go to state hospital for inpatient after last psych nurse clinic failure in 2008.
41 here. My life, women, and social outings-wise, went to hell at 40. I have NO idea why. It's like everyone knew I was single and 40 and stayed far away from me or was just offended that I would even speak to them, like I would make them look uncool or something.
Well, I wish I never got married, don't regret the kids though, but the marriage killed 20 years of my life and I should have got out at 30 and still had a chance to meet a pretty girl. You must be lonely as hell. I know I am. Wow, I got lucky and when I went on long term disability and failed to come back, I got accepted to disability right away. I feel so bad for you. 4 denials??? You know, they wrote this letter about me at work than ended my career and I thought it was WAY over the top and hurt my feeling like you wouldn't believe, because they basically made me sound like I couldn't do ANY part of my job in ANY way. I HATED my boss (ex-friend!!) and always wondered why he went so god damn far with it. Maybe he was trying to help me get disability? I NEVER thought of that until just now (it's been 10 years I think, or is it 6?).. maybe that's why they made me sound so useless... I should ask him someday..inpatient is hell, IMHO. Are you there now or out? I couldn't use a computer or cell phone or almost anything like that at the place I was at for a few days. Good thing I checked myself in and was able to check myself out. It's a jail. They even monitored what we talked about at the dinner table, I actually had a few girls into me.. it was strange! Too bad none were lookers or I would have married them.
Kissing, hugging, intimacy.. haven't had any of that, though I'm technically married, but separated now. Sadly, I got very lonely at 19, my gf/wife, was an idiot leech and wouldn't let me go no matter how mean I was to her. We became friends with benefits which is something, if she had a backbone or confidence would/should have NEVER allowed, and she should have NEVER accepted when I asked her out. All she had to do was ask me one question. "Are you in love with me". I would have said "no", and ya know, I bet she wouldn't have even cared. My depression was always chemical, and still is, but now I'm depressed "situationally" too. I met my soul-mate 6 years ago - we got split up without getting contact info, and I lost her, just like that. Someone that took me 14 years to find, love at first sight, and I was so happy, and confident we'd meet later (we tried, long story) that we didn't exchange #'s first. I will NEVER forgive myself for that night. I fell in love with her 2-3 days later and have been in love "with her ghost", ever since. I remember ever second of our short, patheticly fun time together.
She helped kill my marriage, just because (I) compared her to my wife. When I did that, I started to have real disgust for my wife.. when that happened, I knew there was no going back. I don't even know what "sex" is anymore, and I'd actually pay an escort (if I had the money) just to let me be affectionate with her, no sex!!! Intimacy is what I missed, through the entire marriage. It degraded over time after the first 5-10 years of our 20 year relationship.
I tried match.joke and it was an epic failure, and oh, I went out with a bang, today actually. I changed my profile and trashed all the users there (targeted pretty women) and listed my DISMAL experience with the site in my profile. I'll leave that up for 2 months. Funny thing, they can't even flame me because all I stated was facts. Some lady emailed me and said non-attractive women have the exact same problem there and told me that pretty women on there get 200 emails a week. So, these chicks do the most selfish and vain thing possible and pick (ONE) of the best looking of all the respondents, and literally blow off the rest without even a response. They act like they are ordering from a dinner menu or picking the nicest looking car out of the lot.
Me, if I miraculously for 5 emails of interest, I would be fair and DATE all 5.Dating is officially death BTW. At least where I live. The women on the site think they can pick a sole-mate, from a god-damned menu!!!! You don't know ANYONE unless you've spent real time dating them several times. But these women are so lazy, it's unreal. They even write in their profiles that they don't want to date a lot of men, just want one "winner". The lucky man who's a a 9 or a 10. I said from the first month of there, that's it's just one huge beauty contest. I'm about 6-8, in most women's eyes, and even 5's were blowing me off. How depressing.
>
> So you are not alone, also I am not a bad looking guy either, and have college degree and a lot of travel. Women want the confident personality types, If you suffer from depression then you are not going to be that, you need that mania.
>
> Anyway, hang in there, you are in a tough spot, but looks like you have enough inside you to fight a bit longer.
>
> Maybe the psych's can put you on heavy anti psychotics to sedate you beyond the point that you care, seems to be the going trend. God forbid no benzo's if they actually work.I think my age nips it in the bud. I'm just too old to get the pretty girl I want. I don't like girls my own age.. they really look it.. (no offense), but somehow, I aged very well, and don't look old, wrinkled, bald, etc.
See, I don't want to be on heavy drugs so I don't care. That's not me anymore. I'd rather die with my personality the same as it's always been. I'm not going to die drooling and comatose, or end up that way. I'm taking my life into my own hands. I tried all the atyp. Antip., and suffered from way too many side effects. No thanks. Pretty sure I've tried benzo's too. Nothing works on me.
Looking into DBS studies now. I want my selegeline and this Nardil crap OUT of my system. Selly won't last me long, but it's better than failing Nardil with 3-4 MAJOR side effects I've had for 3 years. I can't even go outside if it's humid. I'm covered head to toe with sweat in about 3 mins.
Enough complaining.. done so much the last few days.. ack..
Nice talking to ya, and it's "nice", but horrible to hear you're in the same boat, at least with women. God I hate them. If I didn't find them so damn attractive.. I thought about going to Europe for a while. No cash though.
I hear dating EXISTS there, so does casual dating/sex/loving/sharing/intimacy.Women here.. I wish I knew what happened to them. I wish I was alive during "free love". So many women in the world and people are so selective. What happened to casual dating/one night-ers, flings, short relationships. There is safety with condoms!!! I'm not a hedonist but I think it's ridiculous that more people don't enjoy each other mentally and physically without SO MANY SUPID RULES, BS RESTRICTIONS, SUPERFICIAL TRIVIAL GARBAGE, ETC!!!!!!! Just imagine.. dating a different pretty girl every 4-6 weeks. Heaven on Earth for me. So many experiences to be had with the opposite sex, but so many rules so no one is "getting any". So, you grow old and die, missing out on a giant CHUNK of living. I'll die by those words.
poster:Enigma
thread:955737
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100731/msgs/958079.html