Posted by Enigma on August 11, 2010, at 16:51:02
In reply to Re: Nardil is killing me - must find alternative! Help » Enigma, posted by angels78 on August 11, 2010, at 11:37:13
> When you were on Nardil, what was your diet like?
I tried everything from atkins, to just atkins snacks (like 500 calories a day), to everything under the sun. 4-5 small meals a day, etc, etc, and so on.
(incoming rant)
Still on Nardil. Jerkoff new p-doc doctor STILL hasn't called me back yet. I've been waiting 3 weeks for him to get back from vacation. Before vacation, I left messages and they never called back. I have to switch to Selegeline. It's the only drug I KNOW will work, for a while anyway.
I might go to the hospital tonight, for my gut and 1 week+ long all day headache - (5 weeks now, it's be been messed up, gastro docs are stumped, but they won't even do a blood test or check my gut with whatever test I had when I was like 10), I guess the same test exists..
Plus, I'm suicidal as ever. 99% convinced I'll never find even a semi-attractive girl to love me (and I'm a muscular "7", minus the nardil gut). All dating sites were either scams, liars, elitists (people who want only 9's and 10's ONLY or CEO's, rocks stars, movies starts, that sort of thing - f-ing women.), and selfish women with massive egos that the though of dating a 7 "offended" them somehow, and pure, pure, pure rejection. What a horrible experience.
If I had the money, I'd move to Europe in a second, and actually meet women, maybe fall in love and be happy. Too bad I have young children. I can't fly back and forth every month, not on disability and I can't take them with me.
Been in bed most days until I just can't sleep anymore. Been taking too much Klonopin.. calms me down a little. Max dose. I already need something stronger (like 2 years ago). Couldn't sleep for the past two nights, even with 3 sleep meds in me.
I hate life so bad, I can't put it in words. If it wouldn't hurt my kids (could care less about my wife - we're separated and not in love), and she won't even "fight" to help me get better. Example, I'll ask her to call a doctor for me, and she'll just accept whatever they tell her and hangup. Instead, what I would do is say "Are you insane? She's suffering terribly, she can't wait a month!!!! Can't you squeeze her in or suggest anything else - what about a cancellation list - SHE NEEDS a new med ASAP?". Last p-doc denied my med change to Selegeline, since he's not familiar with it.
WTF, ever hear of the internet, or a BOOK? As an SE, we had to learn new tech every 6 months or we'd lose our jobs. Doctors? Hell now. They can just sit back and say stupid things like "I'm not familiar with that drug" - EVEN THOUGH I still have the bottle, and told him I've already been on it!!!!I think Nardil is causing the headaches.. unless it's rage and anger which always did the same. In a semi-hypo manic episode now (extremely rare these days), and I can't sleep at night, and I can't cry, and I WANT to cry.
Wife - is afraid of even the smallest amount of conflict, so she's 0 help to me and my illness, plus, we were never in love, so there's no affection there either.
Every 5 minutes not I think of taking my knife to my jugular. That would be very quick and not too painful. I don't care anymore. I'm sick of all the people who abandoned me. Sick of have 0 friends, sick of getting rejected 500 times on every single dating site. I hate women now, the attractive ones, cause they are impossible to date, as they always want MUCH MORE than their own equivalent in a man. That's been MY experience, so it's not generalization. Sick of side-effects, sick of being in misery and begging people to be my friend or go out some night with me and ALWAYS getting an excuse. Sick of fighting bipolar disorder for 16 years, and severe, suicidal depression for 10 years. No more fight left in me. Just anger and rage. 1/2 asses doctors who barely lifted a finger to help me, even though I was suffering terribly, and blah blah blah. No support. Even the support group I went to didn't help me, nor to therapists. It was like talking to a wall. I can do that at home.
Trying to get into a couple dbs studies, but it depends how bad I get. I could gut myself tonight, and I'm not going back to the prison/er, I mean hospital. I get worse there, not better.
I never used to believe in fate, until I faced so much pain over years and years and years and never a light, never an angel, never someone to save me. They never came along. My deck was stacked at birth, so I believe, and my storm clouds follow me around everywhere I go. It's been like that since I was a child. I have only few good memories and this curse that makes me remember every negative event in my life like it happened 5 mins ago. I'll never understand that. I just plum "forgot" about the good memories. There HAD to be some?
rant over. This could be a suicide note.. I couldn't tell ya either way.
poster:Enigma
thread:955737
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100811/msgs/958273.html