Posted by CEK on June 2, 2006, at 0:52:00
In reply to Re: Strong comment, posted by willyee on June 1, 2006, at 23:01:08
Willyee, you're on a roll today! I don't blame you because I am seeing things as you are. I have these kind of rants going on in my head daily but when I try to let any of it out to the people in my family they just think I get frustrated too easily, or that I get too mad at something a doctor or hospital has done and that I just take it too far. Screw 'em is what I say. They are not me and are not going through what I am. They're not having to lay their lives in someone else's hands. Someone else that doesn't give a crap about you, only the pay for seeing you. We pay out all this money to these doctors, therapists, whatever and they are guessing on how to treat us. My pdocs have told me so. And what sucks about it, is that they aren't even listening to half of what we say! If you ever question it, ask for a copy of your records. That's a joke! Half of the problems you're having probably won't even be listed in them, and then there will probably be some that you never even mentioned thrown in there. I went into the hospital on 4/29-5/5 because I honestly did not want to live feeling the way I do anymore. I ranted on about this experience on babble before so I won't put anyone through it again. But here's the thing, I asked for a copy of my records and got them today. Most of it you couldn't read, but the parts that I could read were bs. They didn't listen to anything that I told them! They'll focus on one thing and go with that and never address the rest of it. There was a section where the person who was filling out this paperwork was suppose to check off all of the problems or symptoms I was having and they only checked off a third of them! How can they treat something if they don't even know what they are treating!?! Even my own pdocs recent records didn't state exactly what I told him. He also noted that I had suicidal thoughts but no plan. That was bs to cover his own butt I guess, because I told him how I have planned the way to kill myself! He just made me promise him that I wouldn't do anything to myself, that I would call him or seek help. Yeah, ok. That's exactly what I needed to make sure that I don't kill myself. And what gets me is that if you don't walk around like what a person thinks a "typical crazy person" walks around,looks and acts like, nobody really thinks anything is wrong with you. I went to see a lawyer a couple of weeks back to talk to him about workmanscomp.(I had my breakdown and became this bad after months of mistreatment from my boss and 2 coworkers and had a real bad go with them on 1/24/06,started to go to pieces at work and then fell apart at home.) (Which by the way no pdoc or hospital ever mentions this in my records or even wants to discuss it because I suffered from depression and was being treated for it for 6 years. Yet I was holding it together until this.)Before I went to see this lawyer, I showered and threw on a t-shirt and some track pants and gym shoes. No make up, didn't even dry my hair.(I drove with the windows down to dry it.) Believe me, I was no beauty queen. This guy tried to treat me like there was nothing wrong with me! He had the nerve to tell me that he has seen people with my diagnosis before and I didn't look like they did. He said I was dressed nice(ok if he says so)my hair was fixed,(wind blown does it for him I guess)and that I seemed like a very intelligent woman. He said that he thought I needed to go back to work because it would take my mind off of my problems and make me feel better. If I've ever come close to hurting someone, it was then. He didn't know me or my condition or what I was going through. Yeah, I took a shower before I saw him because I'm not going into public nasty! I never went around town in track pants and a t-shirt, without my hair done and make up before. Yet, I looked fine to him,just because I wasn't a nasty, dirty mess, slobbering and needing someone to talk for me! Doctor bills, hospital bills, prescriptions, and not to mention the disability insurance taking their time on paying me has put my family in a major financial crisis. So far, all the money has been wasted because nothing has helped so far. If I could go back to work, I would. Who wants to live this way? I can't even take care of my house and children much less be able to handle the stresses of work. Each day is a battle to stay alive yet he could look at me and think all was aok. I don't even think my pdocs really take me seriously at times unless I'm bawling. I told my husband that I don't need to try to control the way I feel in public anymore. Crap! I don't want everyone to look at me and say,"eeewwww,look at her, she's nasty and acts like a psycho." I think I ought to start going into the doctors office looking as bad as I feel. Maybe then they'd notice that something was really wrong. (only problem with that is that my husband wouldn't come with me anymore because he wouldn't dare be seen with me looking like that.) And Willyee, you talked about your brother being the one the family turns to, in a way be thankful that they do this while you're not well. I'm the one mine calls on over every little problem no matter how bad off I am. My mother and my sister dump everything off on me and want me to tell them what to do to fix it. Crap, I can't fix my own problems right now and I surely can't handle worrying about theirs. I've always done the handling of the bills in my house and the stress of it is part of my suicidal problem. If I leave them up to my husband, they won't get paid or will be paid late and screw up our credit. There's no one for me to dump my load on. Like you said earlier, no one to trust. I have to be in control of things or else I just can't stand it. These last 5 months of having to put that control in someone else's hands is horrible! I don't trust the doctors at all! But where else can you turn? I've tried therapy, but my therapist said until we get my meds right, that we're just spinning our wheels. I've waisted $3000.00 on therapy in the last 4 months for nothing. CBT, cram it is what I say. I don't care how many different ways my therapist can tell me on how not to look at things so negatively, I still do, because that's how I feel. Talking to him didn't change that. I got more therapy when in the hospital this last time talking to another patient there then I have ever paying a therapist. I know this rambled and is very long. I'm sorry. I just felt the urge to rant with you. When I get this way I can't sleep and I have to get it out somehow. I get you completely, and you won't get any arguements out of me on how you feel on things. I'm just as disgusted as you are. Oh and the original doctor that started me on the Effexor 6 years ago and has been trying different ADs on my all these years, has finally turned her back on me since I've gotten so sick. She was the one that acted like she knew what she was doing yet she didn't even know exactly what she was treating. She knew about the rapid mood swings and all the rest, yet kept on pumping me full of ADs and never referred me to someone who knew how to treat me. I trusted her.I'd seen her for 8 years as my regular doctor, now that I'm in the shape I'm in I can't hardly even get an appointment with her for anything or even a call back when asked for her to call me. Now I don't even have a GP anymore. All I know Willyee is that there must still be some fight left in us or else we wouldn't even care anymore. My thoughts are with you, Cara
poster:CEK
thread:651514
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20060530/msgs/651759.html