Posted by shelliR on August 10, 2001, at 23:01:56
In reply to Re: Update Lorainne, Elizabeth, et. al. » shelliR, posted by Lorraine on August 10, 2001, at 0:56:06
Hi Lorraine, etc.
.............
> Fair enough. But what about the wanting to be at the center, wanting undiluted attention--not in a general way, but that thing that kids do "look at me"; Mommy listen to me.I think obviously that is a very "filling " experience, and yes, you do get to be the center of someone's universe. So, I'm not debating how connected and "attached" that makes you feel. I just know many moms who are very connected to their kids (and husbands) still have the experience of an almost desperate attachment to their therapist, if they were abused as children. There are actually people who attend the day hospital (where I was inpatient) when their therapist goes on a vacation. So I'm not convinced that being connected to your children touches the same needs.
Having not been in a relationship for a while, I do (sometimes) miss being the center for someone else. I think it is a good balance, having that, in negotiating your way in the world. Like when something comes, even little things like car repairs, I miss not being able to say "what are we going to do this?" Luckily I have a close close friend who can be there for me, even though he is married, but not in the same way as before he got re-married, two years ago. I don't know a lot of people with good marriages. I would not trade my life for the life of some very close friends with only partially satisfying marriages, although even that relationship does add to a feeling of security in life. A very bad marriage probably doesn't. I think a good marriage is a treasure, and it is wonderful that you have one; especially such a long one.
>
> My children forced me to do a lot of internal work in order to be a good mother---still when my youngest was turning 7 or so, I found that I had manuevered myself into a position of abandoning my children emotionally, the same way that I had been abandoned. Namely, my career was on such a hot track, that I was never home and didn't have time for them. I'm not sure I would have done the depth of work that I did without them because I would have been doing it for "me" and I'm not sure that would have been enough motivation for me. I really could not bear the thought of doing to them what had been done to me.I understand that. In terms of myself, however, my creative urges really have to be played out. I have to be totally self absorbed for part of my work, and interestly, for the other part I must be totally without ego. I'll send you my website address, so I won't sound so mysterious. I'm not Van Gogh! I might have been able to give that up when I was younger, but now that would be impossible, I would not be happy. I *have* to be creating something. So maybe it is good that I am not a mom, although it was not especially by choice. I have some shame issues about that; interestingly it brings up shame, rather than loneliness for me.
>>. Once I had my first child, everything change inside me. I used to say that it was like finding this remarkable sun roon in your house that you never knew was there.
That's a really beautiful description, and again you are very lucky to have discovered that part of you because you love it so.
Back to meds: I have had a totally awful last two days, depression and very bad migraines. I have totally drugged myself up; I'm scared about that, but I can't take most of the impressive migrane remedies because of the parnate. I think it is definitely hormonal; it feels like I'm am having pms time all the time. I saw my gyn (of course on a really good day), and we both thought I should wait to add estrogen until I saw the effects of the parnate. Today I am not at all sure, and may decide to add the estrogen again and can only stop if/when the parnate takes effect. I have to remember it was a full five weeks until I felt any anti-depressant effects from nardil. Luckily, because it gave me very few side effects *and* because I had read a book saying that MAOIs may take up to six weeks, I hung in there. It was not a gradual thing; when it kicked in it was just all different for me.
poster:shelliR
thread:67742
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010809/msgs/74562.html