Posted by Lorraine on August 10, 2001, at 0:56:06
In reply to Re: Update Lorainne, Elizabeth, et. al. » Lorraine, posted by shelliR on August 9, 2001, at 19:07:12
Hi Shelli:
> > You shamed me into it.
> I didn't mean to, just thought it was easier than me explaining again.You were right; it was an extensive thread. I was teasing about the shame.
>
> >I think I understand. My kids always say "look at this", "watch this, Mommy", "come listen to my new guitar piece, Mom". It's like their life only comes fully alive when I am there to witness it. My husband is the same way. His idea of a great day is to do anything and have me watch him. These is something about this--validate me by letting me be the center of your universe. It is supposed to be (according to my therapist) very important for kids to get their fill of this. The other piece--which I have thought about a lot--is the drive toward symbiosis with another person. Symbiosis, the melding of two into one. I felt it the first time I breast fed my children. I was transported. Also--at least for me--the need to be fully known and loved. I get this stuff in other ways--not with my therapist. You see where the children come in, and symbiosis of sorts with my husband (there is something like patina that comes with time), and being fully known and loved by husband and dear friends. I think I understand what you are talking about. Do I sound on track?
> >
> Not really. Because some of the people writing in that thread and also many in my real life, have children, and I don't think the hole left from abuse and lack of protection/safety/mothering can be filled by parenting.Fair enough. But what about the wanting to be at the center, wanting undiluted attention--not in a general way, but that thing that kids do "look at me"; Mommy listen to me.
> > >while children ... are very satisfying emotionally, (I hope), I think the other work is an inner work of griefing, etc.
My children forced me to do a lot of internal work in order to be a good mother---still when my youngest was turning 7 or so, I found that I had manuevered myself into a position of abandoning my children emotionally, the same way that I had been abandoned. Namely, my career was on such a hot track, that I was never home and didn't have time for them. I'm not sure I would have done the depth of work that I did without them because I would have been doing it for "me" and I'm not sure that would have been enough motivation for me. I really could not bear the thought of doing to them what had been done to me.
> > >Actually I think it is best if it is worked out before motherhood, because an adult who still feels that emptiness/hurt might expect too much from her children--put too much pressure on them to "need" her. It may be that somewhere along the line, someone did mother you, or meet that need, or it may be something you worked out either with or without therapy.
It's hard to say. I can't know your reality to know that difference. Certainly, it sounds like your abuse was more intense and deliberate than mine was. I know that I have always thought that I didn't really have a childhood. In fact, I didn't want to have children--they terrified me, plus I didn't understand "play" very well. I had my children to prevent my husband from leaving me. He desperately wanted children and would have left the relationship if I hadn't been willing to do this. Once I had my first child, everything change inside me. I used to say that it was like finding this remarkable sun roon in your house that you never knew was there. I don't know how much was hormone driven and how much was that I was so masculine in my career approach that I had blinders on the feminine. I'm glad I did it now, of course. It has given me an opportunity to build the family that I never had. I worry about the issue of enmeshment though also, it will be very hard on me when they leave home. I know that I have to start filling other pieces of my life so that there will not be so great a vacuum when they leave.
Ho, ho, shelli, here I am going on and on about the kids, well, you know that my mom and I have actually done some pretty intensive healing. she came to my therapy a couple of time and then I wrote her the letter that all mothers live in fear of receiving and read it to her. And, she, for whatever reason managed to stay with me toe-to-toe during this--it must have been very tough for her. And, then, my mother's abuse was neglect, which while not wonderful is much more forgivable than physical abuse. I do know that working through this stuff was pure he** though for me. Still, I may not have done the work without the kids pushing me from behind
> > > Today I had a migraine, hopefully not from the parnate.
Let's hope.
> > > > > So you think 10mg of parnate is really making a huge difference?
> >
>
> So are you saying "yes" ? < g >Yes.
> >
> < What's your titrating schedule? By the way, I'm seeing my pdoc on Friday and will ask him re sleeping.
>
> My pdoc wants me to go up other day by 5mg until I reach 30mg. He says he will be very happy if I can tolerate 30mg, but he doesn't have a ceiling. He's not worried about sleep; he thinks we can medicate that also. :-)Good. I have gotten a headache on this, but I think it is bruxism (teeth grinding) related--which is still med related.
>
> So tomorrow I will go up to 15mg and if I have another migraine I will probably go back down to 10mg for longer. He'll be away next weekWhat is with these guys and there vacations< vbg >?
Take careLorraine
poster:Lorraine
thread:67742
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010809/msgs/74430.html