Posted by Jennifer on August 12, 2000, at 3:49:26
In reply to Yucky come-on - feel like it's my fault (long), posted by Kath on August 11, 2000, at 12:32:15
Kath...I'm heading out, so I didn't get a chance to read the other replies. Just wanted to say that this is much more common in the elderly then people are aware. This is a medical condition, and is frequently concomminent with the onset of dementia/senility. Most people don't care to discuss it because they are embarrassed that their family member would act in such a way. Although it is very innappropriate behavior, he has no knowledge that it is improper. He may have periods where he is more lucid, but this will continue to worsen without medical intervention. He needs to see a gerontologist. It will not be "cured" but controlled. Your husband should take him in to the MD if possible, this is not for you to do. I understand this is an awful experience from your past ordeals, but it is in no way actually related to you, or to sex. Remember how you can't help how you feel when you are having a panic attack....he can't help this mental process and it's physiological reaction. He doesn't need "therapy" or anything...it's almost always completely a medical condition. You are best to be firm with him if he acts innapropriately with you. Treat him like a teenager (get it?) Put your hands on his shoulders firmly and tell him "This is not appropriate, and you need to stop". Don't get mad, he can't help it. Try distraction techniques...like "if you'd like to watch a movie, I'll start dinner." If he is out of control, and you can't get your husband or a friend to come over and help...call for medical help. Hope it helps. Jennifer
> I'm going to write a nice post about my recent holidays, but I'm writing this one separately.
>
> My father-in-law is 86. His wife died 2 1/2 years ago. He's a simple man; was taken out of school at about 12 yrs old to work on farms & help the family. He has a bad memory, tells the same stories over & over & basically ignores alot of what we say to reply with whatever HE wants to say. Ex - We had a really nice camping trip, Dad. Reply: When should I take my car in to get an oil change?
> Anyway, sorry to ramble. He's really nice & always has been sweet. About 6 weeks ago I went over to his house to help him with his laundry. When I hugged him hello, he said, "It's been a long time since I hugged a woman." I commented on how he must miss Mom. When we hugged goodbye he said, "It's been a long time since I slept with a woman." I immediately pulled away & said that I understood that he missed Mom. I discussed it with my husband & we came to the conclusion that when I see him, I'll just lean over to
> give him a cheek-to-cheek hug instead of an arms-around hug. He said it would probably take care of it & there was probably no reason not to go over. A week & a half ago I went over to his house. I didn't even hug him. We threw a load of laundry in, went to a take-out restaurant, go breakfast, took it to a picnic table at the community garden plots & ate there. I thought it would give him something different to think about - he doesn't have friends, hobbies, etc. Doesn't read - watches the odd TV show. We went back, took out the laundry & I told him he needed to change his pillow cases more often; he said he didn't know if he had more than 2 pair. We went upstairs, found some. He was between me & the door. He looked over at the bed & then stepped forward & put his arms around me & pressed his pelvis against me. I was SHOCKED. I was sexually abused when I was 4 or 5 by 3 family "friends" & I'm currently working on that with my pscyh, so this really triggered me into my 'little girl' self. I backed away & he looked right into my eyes & said "I love you Kath". I turned it back to I'm sure you miss Mom & walked past him into the hall. I was very embarrassed & uncomfortable & the co-dependent part of me didn't want to "rock the boat" or "make him feel badly"!!!! He again held me from the side & said "Oh, I'm getting horny, I better not do that" & he was holding himself. I said "No you'd better not!!" then to try & shift things said how old was he & he said 86 & I said, so he still got those feelings at 86 & he said yes & "I'll tell you, if a woman wanted it, I'd do it!!" I was feeling panicky & didn't know what to do & didn't want to make things awkward & was trying to "normalize" things. I told him how my Mom had died first & I knew my Dad must have missed her etc. then I started to go downstairs. He was still holding himself & said "You KNOW what I feel like doing!" I said yes & kept walking down the stairs & he said "But I wouldn't ever do that to you." Those words freaked me out the most - I guess the fact that he would even THINK about "doing that" to me. Anyway I talked about anything & everything downstairs & then said I had to go. He went to hug me face-to-face & as I turned my head, his glasses hit my forehead. I was still trying to act normal. I left & couldn't think; couldn't remember what store I was heading for; started to forget what had happened. Went home; phoned my good friend; went over & told her it all - had trouble remembering the details. Called a "help" phone line. Then, Dad phoned me & said he'd gotten carried away when we hugged & he apologized. I said I was glad he apologized because I had been very uncomfortable & it was NOT okay. When I told my husband, he was very supportive, but I was still reeling from it. I think it REALLY stirred stuff up. The next day I went to my women's group therapy & was about to talk about it & cried for the first time. Two days later the phone rang at 8 a.m. & it was Dad saying, "Kath - I'm REALLY HORNY". I was mad & said there wasn't much he could do about it & I suggested he talk to his doctor about it because sometimes older people have problems like that. I was very very upset, because I'd thought with the apology it was over. I've talked to alot of people about it. The same day, I phoned his sister-in-law & she told me he went to her house (his dead wife's sister) & talked about the same stuff & asked her if he gave her $50 would she have sex with him!!!!!!! She said "Not on your life". I phoned my husband's brother, who was at home & told him & he was appalled & phoned & blasted his Dad & told him he'd end up arrested or in a mental hospital if he didn't stop this behaviour. My husband went over on the weekend & firmly told his Dad the same stuff & that he was NEVER to talk to women about sex again. I also phoned Dad & told him I was still very upset & angry & that I wouldn't be visiting him or talking on the phone with him. That I need time to get over this. He said he guaranteed that he would never touch me again.
>
> Sorry to ramble on, but I wanted to give the details because problem is that I FEEL IT WAS MY FAULT. My mind goes: I should have known after the first time 6 weeks ago that this would happen; I shouldn't have gone over by myself; I shouldn't have worn shorts over there; I shouldn't have hugged him ever; it's my fault; I should have known he was lonely; it's my fault, I must have done something; I should have walked right out after he first pressed up against me; I should have been ANGRY; I shouldn't have talked to him any more; I shouldn't have tried to normalize the conversation; I shouldn't have acted as if nothing happened; it's my fault; it must have beem something I did.... On & On. I saw my pdoc last nite & she's helping me but it's so hard. Last nite I asked my husband again "Was it my fault that it happened? Did I do something wrong? I shouldn't have worn shorts over" & he reassured me that it wasn't; that men have to control themselves every day - what kind of a world would it be if everybody did what they thought about. I feel really wimpy getting stuck in this, but I feel like I am!
>
> Any input would be good, I guess especially from men. I guess if the input would be "Yes it was your fault" I don't need to hear that! Maybe I'm just an ostrich putting my head into the sand.
>
> Thanks for being there to listen. Now I'll write my nice holiday stuff in a separate post to get feeling better!
>
> Thanks, Kath :-(
poster:Jennifer
thread:42604
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000811/msgs/42664.html