Posted by Kath on August 11, 2000, at 12:32:15
I'm going to write a nice post about my recent holidays, but I'm writing this one separately.
My father-in-law is 86. His wife died 2 1/2 years ago. He's a simple man; was taken out of school at about 12 yrs old to work on farms & help the family. He has a bad memory, tells the same stories over & over & basically ignores alot of what we say to reply with whatever HE wants to say. Ex - We had a really nice camping trip, Dad. Reply: When should I take my car in to get an oil change?
Anyway, sorry to ramble. He's really nice & always has been sweet. About 6 weeks ago I went over to his house to help him with his laundry. When I hugged him hello, he said, "It's been a long time since I hugged a woman." I commented on how he must miss Mom. When we hugged goodbye he said, "It's been a long time since I slept with a woman." I immediately pulled away & said that I understood that he missed Mom. I discussed it with my husband & we came to the conclusion that when I see him, I'll just lean over to
give him a cheek-to-cheek hug instead of an arms-around hug. He said it would probably take care of it & there was probably no reason not to go over. A week & a half ago I went over to his house. I didn't even hug him. We threw a load of laundry in, went to a take-out restaurant, go breakfast, took it to a picnic table at the community garden plots & ate there. I thought it would give him something different to think about - he doesn't have friends, hobbies, etc. Doesn't read - watches the odd TV show. We went back, took out the laundry & I told him he needed to change his pillow cases more often; he said he didn't know if he had more than 2 pair. We went upstairs, found some. He was between me & the door. He looked over at the bed & then stepped forward & put his arms around me & pressed his pelvis against me. I was SHOCKED. I was sexually abused when I was 4 or 5 by 3 family "friends" & I'm currently working on that with my pscyh, so this really triggered me into my 'little girl' self. I backed away & he looked right into my eyes & said "I love you Kath". I turned it back to I'm sure you miss Mom & walked past him into the hall. I was very embarrassed & uncomfortable & the co-dependent part of me didn't want to "rock the boat" or "make him feel badly"!!!! He again held me from the side & said "Oh, I'm getting horny, I better not do that" & he was holding himself. I said "No you'd better not!!" then to try & shift things said how old was he & he said 86 & I said, so he still got those feelings at 86 & he said yes & "I'll tell you, if a woman wanted it, I'd do it!!" I was feeling panicky & didn't know what to do & didn't want to make things awkward & was trying to "normalize" things. I told him how my Mom had died first & I knew my Dad must have missed her etc. then I started to go downstairs. He was still holding himself & said "You KNOW what I feel like doing!" I said yes & kept walking down the stairs & he said "But I wouldn't ever do that to you." Those words freaked me out the most - I guess the fact that he would even THINK about "doing that" to me. Anyway I talked about anything & everything downstairs & then said I had to go. He went to hug me face-to-face & as I turned my head, his glasses hit my forehead. I was still trying to act normal. I left & couldn't think; couldn't remember what store I was heading for; started to forget what had happened. Went home; phoned my good friend; went over & told her it all - had trouble remembering the details. Called a "help" phone line. Then, Dad phoned me & said he'd gotten carried away when we hugged & he apologized. I said I was glad he apologized because I had been very uncomfortable & it was NOT okay. When I told my husband, he was very supportive, but I was still reeling from it. I think it REALLY stirred stuff up. The next day I went to my women's group therapy & was about to talk about it & cried for the first time. Two days later the phone rang at 8 a.m. & it was Dad saying, "Kath - I'm REALLY HORNY". I was mad & said there wasn't much he could do about it & I suggested he talk to his doctor about it because sometimes older people have problems like that. I was very very upset, because I'd thought with the apology it was over. I've talked to alot of people about it. The same day, I phoned his sister-in-law & she told me he went to her house (his dead wife's sister) & talked about the same stuff & asked her if he gave her $50 would she have sex with him!!!!!!! She said "Not on your life". I phoned my husband's brother, who was at home & told him & he was appalled & phoned & blasted his Dad & told him he'd end up arrested or in a mental hospital if he didn't stop this behaviour. My husband went over on the weekend & firmly told his Dad the same stuff & that he was NEVER to talk to women about sex again. I also phoned Dad & told him I was still very upset & angry & that I wouldn't be visiting him or talking on the phone with him. That I need time to get over this. He said he guaranteed that he would never touch me again.Sorry to ramble on, but I wanted to give the details because problem is that I FEEL IT WAS MY FAULT. My mind goes: I should have known after the first time 6 weeks ago that this would happen; I shouldn't have gone over by myself; I shouldn't have worn shorts over there; I shouldn't have hugged him ever; it's my fault; I should have known he was lonely; it's my fault, I must have done something; I should have walked right out after he first pressed up against me; I should have been ANGRY; I shouldn't have talked to him any more; I shouldn't have tried to normalize the conversation; I shouldn't have acted as if nothing happened; it's my fault; it must have beem something I did.... On & On. I saw my pdoc last nite & she's helping me but it's so hard. Last nite I asked my husband again "Was it my fault that it happened? Did I do something wrong? I shouldn't have worn shorts over" & he reassured me that it wasn't; that men have to control themselves every day - what kind of a world would it be if everybody did what they thought about. I feel really wimpy getting stuck in this, but I feel like I am!
Any input would be good, I guess especially from men. I guess if the input would be "Yes it was your fault" I don't need to hear that! Maybe I'm just an ostrich putting my head into the sand.
Thanks for being there to listen. Now I'll write my nice holiday stuff in a separate post to get feeling better!
Thanks, Kath :-(
poster:Kath
thread:42604
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000811/msgs/42604.html