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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Angel Girl on January 9, 2005, at 23:49:51
I used to have a lot of internet friends (apart from this site). We were very close and would sometimes speak to each other on the phone. But this damn BP disorder has driven them all away. I miss them soooooo much. Not one of them even e-mails me anymore, for several months now.
What did I do in life that was so bad that I had to get sick and lose what little in life that I love? Is it impossible to be sick and still have friends?
I've been so tempted to e-mail them but to say what? I don't want to beg for their friendship but I can't get over the loss of them either.
I just want to crawl under a rock and die. I'm taking up space on this planet that should belong to somebody who is lovable. That certainly isn't me. I have no friends. Everybody used to say how nice and sweet I was but I guess that's all gone now. Where did *I* go? I don't like who and/or what I've become.
This is a very lonely life. I wish God had not saved me from myself a couple of years ago when I had the courage to kill myself.
AG
Posted by Fallen4MyT on January 10, 2005, at 0:01:31
In reply to What's so wrong with me that nobody likes me?, posted by Angel Girl on January 9, 2005, at 23:49:51
Angel maybe this sounds dull or simple but maybe they are waiting for YOU to write and think You do not care. I once heard the road goes both ways....reach out with a chit chat letter to them nothing too heavy and see what they say..I bet they do care...and some web friends are just temp anyhow...We like you so they I am sure do too
> I used to have a lot of internet friends (apart from this site). We were very close and would sometimes speak to each other on the phone. But this damn BP disorder has driven them all away. I miss them soooooo much. Not one of them even e-mails me anymore, for several months now.
>
> What did I do in life that was so bad that I had to get sick and lose what little in life that I love? Is it impossible to be sick and still have friends?
>
> I've been so tempted to e-mail them but to say what? I don't want to beg for their friendship but I can't get over the loss of them either.
>
> I just want to crawl under a rock and die. I'm taking up space on this planet that should belong to somebody who is lovable. That certainly isn't me. I have no friends. Everybody used to say how nice and sweet I was but I guess that's all gone now. Where did *I* go? I don't like who and/or what I've become.
>
> This is a very lonely life. I wish God had not saved me from myself a couple of years ago when I had the courage to kill myself.
>
> AG
Posted by alexandra_k on January 10, 2005, at 0:13:42
In reply to Re: What's so wrong with me that nobody likes me? » Angel Girl, posted by Fallen4MyT on January 10, 2005, at 0:01:31
Yeah I think Fallen might be right. Maybe you could just send them an email to say 'hi' and say you haven't written to them or heard from them for a while and you miss them and wonder what they are up to. I know that I am a bit sporadic with keeping up with my email friendships. Feeling bad about that now... But it isn't that I don't care about these people anymore.
Posted by Angel Girl on January 10, 2005, at 3:31:52
In reply to Re: What's so wrong with me that nobody likes me? » Angel Girl, posted by Fallen4MyT on January 10, 2005, at 0:01:31
fallen
It was made VERY clear to me to NOT contact them anymore or they would consider it harrassment.
AG
Posted by Angel Girl on January 10, 2005, at 3:36:33
In reply to Re: What's so wrong with me that nobody likes me?, posted by alexandra_k on January 10, 2005, at 0:13:42
alexandra
See the reply I made to fallen. There's nothing I can do. These were people that I've been friends with for over 5 years on the net. At one time (before I got sick) we were extremely close. I miss them but I can't contact them. How can people that were close to you before, all of a suddenly forget you like you're yesterday's news?
AG
Posted by alexandra_k on January 10, 2005, at 3:47:30
In reply to Re: What's so wrong with me that nobody likes me? » alexandra_k, posted by Angel Girl on January 10, 2005, at 3:36:33
Dare I ask what happened for them to ask you not to contact them anymore?
It sounds like you need to make some new friends...
Posted by alexandra_k on January 10, 2005, at 3:55:48
In reply to Re: What's so wrong with me that nobody likes me?, posted by alexandra_k on January 10, 2005, at 3:47:30
> Dare I ask what happened for them to ask you not to contact them anymore?
Ok so you got sick and then something went down. Sometimes it can be hard to deal with people who are sick in an email situation. You worry about them but if you live far away or whatever then there really isn't a lot you can do to practically help them. Maybe they couldn't deal with it because it was bringing up stuff for them. I don't know. They have made it clear that you should move on, though. It doesn't mean that they don't like you or that they don't think about you. It just means that whatever went on was so hard for them that they can't deal with that and they don't want it to happen again.
I would say it is time to move on:
> It sounds like you need to make some new friends...
Posted by nikkit2 on January 10, 2005, at 7:31:03
In reply to Re: What's so wrong with me that nobody likes me? » alexandra_k, posted by Angel Girl on January 10, 2005, at 3:36:33
" How can people that were close to you before, all of a suddenly forget you like you're yesterday's news?"
Maybe they needed to do that for their own health?
I had a friend that I have had to ask not to contact me anymore, and I have put her email address etc on my blocked list.
Its not that I have forgotten she exists, but to save my OWN health and sanity, I had to do this.There comes a point sometimes, where you have to step away.. I had to else I was going to get very very ill.. and I did not want that to happen. MY health and wellbeing has to come first to me these days. I work hard to stay well, and I didn't want to see all my work being undone by an overly needy neurotic friend..
I don't know what happened for you, but can you say it was ALL the other peoples faults? There is normally a reason a person asks someone else not to contact them, its unlikely they simply did this for fun (unless they are 15 ofcourse!).
Sorry I couldn't give you advice on exactly what to do.. but maybe you do need to simply move on from them and start making new friends.
Nikki
Posted by partlycloudy on January 10, 2005, at 7:32:48
In reply to What's so wrong with me that nobody likes me?, posted by Angel Girl on January 9, 2005, at 23:49:51
My experience with pre-mental illness buddies is that my experiences make some of them uncomfortable. They don't know what to say, or they are scared to freak me out, or they think it's catching - who knows? - but after making several attempts to reach out to those whose contact I miss, I believe that some people aren't up to it.
It hurts, it has made me angry, but it is NOT my fault.
Posted by anastasia56 on January 10, 2005, at 11:39:41
In reply to What's so wrong with me that nobody likes me?, posted by Angel Girl on January 9, 2005, at 23:49:51
i've been there where you don't really know what you did wrong but all of a sudden a friend isn't there anymore. It is hard to forget. I'm sorry you have had to go thru that. I wish i had some good advice but i still obsess sometimes about it too so i guess i am not the one to advise you!
Posted by Fallen4MyT on January 10, 2005, at 18:11:50
In reply to Re: What's so wrong with me that nobody likes me? » Fallen4MyT, posted by Angel Girl on January 10, 2005, at 3:31:52
Aww I am sorry Angel I didn't know that....that was cruel of them and with this new info I would say they were never friends real freinds do NOT do that or even feel that way ...I am sorry :-(
> fallen
>
> It was made VERY clear to me to NOT contact them anymore or they would consider it harrassment.
>
> AG
Posted by KaraS on January 12, 2005, at 1:42:01
In reply to Re: What's so wrong with me that nobody likes me? » Angel Girl, posted by Fallen4MyT on January 10, 2005, at 18:11:50
I'm so sorry you had to experience that. People can be so cruel sometimes. Those who have never experienced depression or BP disorder just have no idea what you're going through. They can't relate and they don't want to. Most people are too self-involved and they want or need their energy to deal with their own problems. You might be better off making friends with others who have similar issues.
I've enjoyed our few conversations here. You're among friends here.
K
Posted by Angel Girl on January 12, 2005, at 3:59:28
In reply to Re: What's so wrong with me that nobody likes me? » Angel Girl, posted by Fallen4MyT on January 10, 2005, at 18:11:50
I guess the better question is "What did I not do?".
My thought processes were and still are all screwed up and it is so easy for me to misinterpret the written word when you aren't face to face with the other person. I super-analyze what is written to me and if there is even one phrase that I deem to be negative towards me out of an entire email, then I'll focus on that one phrase and question them on it. It didn't take long for this to wear on their patience with me. I would see negativity where there apparently was none to begin with but even when given their explanation, there would be some times that I would still believe my interpretation.
Also, I could feel a real distancing between them and me and I would question them on that as well.
I guess they felt they were always having to answer for themselves and possibly felt they were being interogated but I couldn't help myself. At the time I had a HORRIBLE T, who would make me feel even worse about what I would reply to them. I would take her the emails and show them to her. That therapist was only making me worse so I ended up leaving her. I didn't need her to agree with what I did but she didn't have to be so abrupt about things either and put me down in the process. There are nicer ways of dealing with a person in therapy. I have a wonderful therapist now who is helping me a lot.
When I was at my ultimate lowest in *the black hole* as I call it, I would write them with how I was feeling. I didn't realize it until much later when I was feeling better and re-read what I had written to them, just how scary those emails of mine were. Gosh, they even scared the crap out of me and it was my life and my inner-most thoughts that I was writing.
Anyway, I digressed, sorry! The one of the turning points was the last time I was going to kill myself. Instead of looking at it as that I was obviously in deep pain, they became very angry at me for putting them through that. I understand the effect it had on them but where did *I* go in that situation? Did I not matter? Not once was I asked if *I* was ok. When I mentioned that to them, they said I had a lot of gall to even ask such a question after what I just did. They felt it was all an act of manipulation and attention-seeking. How little they understand. It was me wanting the pain to stop and it was the only way at the time that I knew how. It was not about them. It was about me.
The most recent incident that ended it totally, was when I did something stupid but extremely trivial in haste, as I so often do but later apologized for my actions. The person told me that she accepted my apology because it was the Christian thing to do, and to forget about it as she had already done. BUT then just a couple of days later, without anymore input from my end, I find out that she didn't forgive me afterall or else she changed her mind, I'm not sure which. I have no idea what transpired for her change of heart and wondered what happened to accepting my apology because it was the Christian thing to do. I questioned her *nicely* and she ignored my email. I tried about 4 times, all to no avail. She then circulated what I assume to be one of my emails to a *number* of other people, some who were very good friends of mine, others who barely knew me and the situation quickly escalated out of control. The end result was an email from my *best* friend telling me that I was cruel and that I was to never contact this girl ever again or it would be considered harrassment and that I was also never to contact her ever again, including replying to the email. She didn't want to hear any explanations or *excuses because of my illness* ever again. Cruel? I had no idea what she was talking about. I was not *cruel* in any of my emails to her. Excuses because of my illness? I never even mentioned it. If this girl knew about my illness it did not come from me. I barely even knew this girl. My friend who wrote this e-mail to me said she was taught to pray for those who will *harm them* and she would do that for me. Harm them? WTF is that about? I HAVE NEVER ONCE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE THREATENED ANYONE IN ANY SHAPE OR FORM. I was left feeling extremely frustrated, confused, more depressed and alone, having absolutely no idea what had happened to cause such a result. I still don't understand it and to be honest, it frustrates the hell out of me how something so trivial is not forgivable. BTW, I did as she requested and did not reply her e-mail, as tempting as it was. We have not talked since.
All in all, the bottom line is I scared the hell out of them and they had reached their limit. I realize that there is only so much that people can take but doesn't a *true* friend stand by you when the going gets rough, or are friends just for the good times? I guess I overstayed my welcome. I just find it hard giving the end result and knowing how things used to be before I realized I was BP. :(
I obviously can not have friendships.
DAMN THIS DISORDER!!! IT HAS WRECKED MY LIFE.
AG
Posted by Atticus on January 12, 2005, at 21:30:19
In reply to Re: What's so wrong with me? **possible trigger**, posted by Angel Girl on January 12, 2005, at 3:59:28
I certainly don't agree with pre-illness friends deserting people, and in a thread above, I'm sorting out how to handle the fact that virtually everyone at work now knows I'm bipolar because of someone in personnel with loose lips who appears to have told practically the entire campus during my recent two-month disability leave.
But I do remember how freaked out I would get when I first came to Babble last July and someone would post a message with what struck me as strong suicidal ideation. Having just been recently released from a lock-up psych ward after slashing my left wrist open with a box-cutter, I'd get frantic after reading these posts. I'd write these long and desperate posts back trying to get them not to do anything like I did. I even wrote a very graphic poem about my own suicide attempt to try to wring out any notions of relief that people associated with the ultimate self-destructive act. These things were horrendous triggers even to someone who had actually gone through with it a mere two months earlier. So I do worry about how my bleaker statements will be taken. They don't seem that bleak to me at the time; I'm too far down in the abyss to judge things clearly. But as you said, later, I really regretted some of the things I told my family. My poor mother handles me like a piece of exceptionally delicate crystal these days. So I guess I can see it from both sides. Still, it's bloody hard to keep that kind of darkness from leaking out of me sometimes. Atticus
Posted by Angel Girl on January 12, 2005, at 22:39:47
In reply to Re: What's so wrong with me? **possible trigger** » Angel Girl, posted by Atticus on January 12, 2005, at 21:30:19
Atticus
My apologies. I don't think I've read your thread that you are referring to. I don't read all threads but I am going to search for yours and read it. Would it not be considered unethical for a person in personnel to relay personal info about an employee to any other employees? I would think that this person should be reported to their superior and also mention the impact of his/her actions is having on you. I'm sorry to hear that you are having to deal with that. I can see why that would be hard for you as it would also be hard for me. It does seem that *juicy* gossip does travel fast though.
I'm also sorry to hear about your suicide attempt. I hope that I did not have a negative effect by bringing up my experiences. That is why I put *possible trigger* in my subject line. Maybe that is why nobody else is replying my thread now. :(
AG
Posted by Fallen4MyT on January 13, 2005, at 1:14:14
In reply to Re: What's so wrong with me? **possible trigger**, posted by Angel Girl on January 12, 2005, at 3:59:28
Friends should BUT also friend sadly have limits and boundaries even issues that make it hard for them to deal with someone elses issues so it may be a self preservation issue. For example I still care about a friend of mine but cannot be around her as she triggers things in me that leaves bad feelings and thoughts that would be detrimental to MY health...so I HAD to cut her loose. Its not her fault or even mine..we are like oil and water. Still I want the best for her and if roles were reversed would want her to cut herself off from me if I ( not meaning to) messed with her emotional well being. Friends want the best for freind and sometimes thats a lot of space and not to be friends that stay in touch odd as that sounds. Its like a ex drunk and a drunk....they may care but need to stay away.
>>>All in all, the bottom line is I scared the hell out of them and they had reached their limit. I realize that there is only so much that people can take but doesn't a *true* friend stand by you when the going gets rough, or are friends just for the good times? I guess I overstayed my welcome. I just find it hard giving the end result and knowing how things used to be before I realized I was BP. :( >>
Posted by Angel Girl on January 13, 2005, at 12:03:21
In reply to Re: What's so wrong with me? **possible trigger** » Angel Girl, posted by Fallen4MyT on January 13, 2005, at 1:14:14
fallen
I understand and agree with what you're saying but the fact is, it still hurts. It hurts like HELL and I miss them. We used to have such fun times once upon a time.
BTW, thanks for replying my thread. It looks like since I opened up and revealed things, that I have scared everybody off. That makes me very sad because it took a lot for me to do that. It's not easy to reveal your bad stuff to other people and then when you do, everybody heads for the hills. That hurts.
AG
> Friends should BUT also friend sadly have limits and boundaries even issues that make it hard for them to deal with someone elses issues so it may be a self preservation issue. For example I still care about a friend of mine but cannot be around her as she triggers things in me that leaves bad feelings and thoughts that would be detrimental to MY health...so I HAD to cut her loose. Its not her fault or even mine..we are like oil and water. Still I want the best for her and if roles were reversed would want her to cut herself off from me if I ( not meaning to) messed with her emotional well being. Friends want the best for freind and sometimes thats a lot of space and not to be friends that stay in touch odd as that sounds. Its like a ex drunk and a drunk....they may care but need to stay away.
>
> >>>All in all, the bottom line is I scared the hell out of them and they had reached their limit. I realize that there is only so much that people can take but doesn't a *true* friend stand by you when the going gets rough, or are friends just for the good times? I guess I overstayed my welcome. I just find it hard giving the end result and knowing how things used to be before I realized I was BP. :( >>
Posted by Fallen4MyT on January 13, 2005, at 18:35:31
In reply to Re: What's so wrong with me? **possible trigger** » Fallen4MyT, posted by Angel Girl on January 13, 2005, at 12:03:21
:*( I know it hurts thats a fact that cannot be denied...I honestly do not know what to tell you to do with that pain cause I bet it takes a lot of time and leaves prints of hurt on ones heart....I have not and will not run for the hills. People need to remember life is not always about them and you posted a problem and started a thread I respect that and know youre hurting on that so you will not see me jumping off subject. I have had friends I hung with go away cause of my issues I still miss them and its been years and man we DID have a lotta fun...but I cannot fix that or us or them to go back to that...what I do and it may not be the best thing but I hold my now friends close and always keep an eye out for new ones not in fear or to replaces these freinds if I lose them but just to have....making clear I will always be ME and me includes some of my daffy stuff. Time is sadly what I think you may need and it will never bring them and those times back...
> fallen
>
> I understand and agree with what you're saying but the fact is, it still hurts. It hurts like HELL and I miss them. We used to have such fun times once upon a time.
>
> BTW, thanks for replying my thread. It looks like since I opened up and revealed things, that I have scared everybody off. That makes me very sad because it took a lot for me to do that. It's not easy to reveal your bad stuff to other people and then when you do, everybody heads for the hills. That hurts.
>
> AG
>
>
>
> > Friends should BUT also friend sadly have limits and boundaries even issues that make it hard for them to deal with someone elses issues so it may be a self preservation issue. For example I still care about a friend of mine but cannot be around her as she triggers things in me that leaves bad feelings and thoughts that would be detrimental to MY health...so I HAD to cut her loose. Its not her fault or even mine..we are like oil and water. Still I want the best for her and if roles were reversed would want her to cut herself off from me if I ( not meaning to) messed with her emotional well being. Friends want the best for freind and sometimes thats a lot of space and not to be friends that stay in touch odd as that sounds. Its like a ex drunk and a drunk....they may care but need to stay away.
> >
> > >>>All in all, the bottom line is I scared the hell out of them and they had reached their limit. I realize that there is only so much that people can take but doesn't a *true* friend stand by you when the going gets rough, or are friends just for the good times? I guess I overstayed my welcome. I just find it hard giving the end result and knowing how things used to be before I realized I was BP. :( >>
>
>
Posted by Atticus on January 13, 2005, at 21:19:02
In reply to Re: What's so wrong with me? **possible trigger** » Atticus, posted by Angel Girl on January 12, 2005, at 22:39:47
Nah, you didn't trigger anything, at least in me, so you needn't give it a second thought. But your post did start some thoughts rolling around in my head about the fact that in a way, I could see both sides of the equation. Either way, though, I agree. It really does hurt to be rejected for having illnesses that neither of us wanted in a million years. ;) Atticus
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